Lovegood, Boobs Gooder
by nonjon
Summary: COMPLETE. PostOotP. Harry Luna Challenge Response. Harry refuses to stay with the Dursleys and is now going to spend the summer hunting for Snorkacks with the Lovegoods. This is crude, immature, adult themed humor.
1. Chapter One

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

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_**Author's Note:** __This story will deal with far more mature themes and adult issues. The majority revolving around poop and boobs (okay so maybe 'mature' isn't quite the right word). Some things in the past I may have only alluded to none too subtly. In this story, I may just flat out state them. And quite crudely most likely. This is an answer to the challenge listed below.  
_

**Potter's Place 2 Yahoogroup May Harry/Luna Challenge**

Challenge One: The Hunt.

Harry's return to Privet Drive after fifth year lasts for less than a day. By nightfall, the Dursley's have enraged him to such an extent that he leaves Number Four and refuses to ever return. This puts the Order in the position of having to find an alternate hiding place for the Boy-Who-Lived... and fast.

Dumbledore, trying to suggest something so distasteful that Harry will want to return to his relatives, says that he should join Luna Lovegood and her father on their trip to Sweden in search of the Crumple-Horned Snorcack.

To the shock of everyone present... Harry happily agrees.

_For my answer to the challenge, I follow the events of OotP as they read in canon up until the very end. I pick it up when…_

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Harry got off the Hogwarts Express. He said goodbye to his friends and walked over to where he saw Remus standing and talking to Moody and Tonks. 

"Hey Moony. What're you doing here? And where's the Dursleys?"

Remus winced and put on a fake smile. "Hiya Harry! Little change of plans. We're going to be taking a portkey to Mrs. Figg's and then walk you back to Privet Drive."

"Remus, you don't have to fake smile with me. I'm going to miss him like gangbusters, but Sirius would kick my arse if thinking of him only made me sad. That, and your fake smile is creeping me out a bit. I think Moody looks happier than you, and he's snarling at me."

"Kid, if I were you I would have killed those Dursleys when I was four." Moody snarled out. "With a quart of oil, a turkey baster, and some industrial strength rubber bands."

"Yes, well, we all know better than to ever question the orders handed down from up high. All hail the mighty Lord Dumbles." The frustrated young man exclaimed.

The other three looked a bit curious at the lack of respect the Headmaster seemed to have in this young man's eyes.

Tonks suggested. "Well, he means umm …well. He was afraid of how the Dursleys might treat you with…umm you know. Now that your …umm _godfather_ is …umm chasing cars on the big highway in the sky and all."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Wow Tonks. Those 'Courtesy in the Workplace' courses aren't helping you at all, are they?"

"Hey now! I'm trying."

"So what did the mighty Dumbles do now? Perhaps invite my good friend Ferret McPoncy Van Death Gobbler over to spend the summer with me? Or maybe he thought I would be able to mourn easier with a Bellatrix Lestrange blow-up love doll to keep me warm at night?"

Remus looked at the somewhat twisted boy in front of him. "He was only trying to help. He slipped a congeniality potion into the Dursley's drinks and explained to them about… Sirius' passing."

"A congeniality potion? So illegal control over muggles is A-Ok as long as the weapon stays sharp?" Harry bit back.

Tonks nodded. "Yes well, it appears that making the Dursleys a little _nicer_ in turn got them acting far more courteously. To the point where they explained that worthless dog Potter would probably be best served being put down._"_

Harry's eyes lit up in wonder. "They're finally going to grant me the sweet blissful release of Death? The everlasting peace of eternal rest?"

Moody's fake eye widened at that. "You've got some issues, don't you, son?"

"Well that's what the good doctor says."

Remus looked a little worried. "What doctor?"

Harry brushed him off with a wave. "Nothing. It's just one of the voices in my head."

Remus looked panicked. "Are you sure it's not another trick of the Dark Lord?"

Harry smiled placatingly. "Of course not Moony. It's just Dr. Riddle. Hey…wait a second!" Harry exclaimed with a mocking smack of his forehead. "Der der der."

Harry was thinking he may have gone too far noticing the stares Tonks, Remus, and Moody were giving him. "I'm just kidding Moony. Besides, the doctor is a she. And _she_ is a therapist."

Remus calmed. "A therapist. Oh, that's good." He paused for a second. "Wait, no it's not."

The four of them took the portkey and appeared in Mrs. Figg's living room. The batty old woman shook her head muttering about the 'poor boy' and quickly ushered them out the door.

They arrived at Number Four Privet Drive and saw Albus Dumbledore coming out to greet them.

"Harry, my boy, you're looking well."

Harry did not like the cheerfulness the meddling old man was exuberating. Harry coughed up a particularly loud and thick loogie and spit it on the ground in front of them. It was hard not to notice the glowing killing curse green color of the expectorant. "Feeling peachy too." He retorted.

Albus did not want to cause young Mr. Potter any more harm and decided open honesty was the best thing now. "Well, as you may have heard we tried giving the Dursleys a congeniality potion, and though it did work, it seems their attitude needed something a bit stronger than a normal potion. So I've had Severus develop a strengthened congeniality potion. This one seems to have done the trick quite well."

Harry was feeling a bit disgusted at the joy the Headmaster seemed to take in controlling and manipulating people.

Albus smiled. "I think you may find this to be the warm and friendly environment it always should have been."

Harry just made a harrumphed sound of agreement.

Albus smiled a bit too much and said, "Excellent! Remus, Alastor, Tonks: let's just be going now please."

They all looked a bit curious at the way the Headmaster seemed to be hurrying.

He seemed to be panicking and said "Alrighty then, bye Harry! Write every three days!" He grabbed onto Remus and Tonks while Alastor touched Albus's shoulder. He shouted the activation word on a portkey, "Minnie mouse," and Harry was left alone with his trunk to walk into Number Four Privet Drive.

Harry walked in the front door and was immediately viciously and violently hugged by his Aunt Petunia.

"Oh Harry! It is so good to see you again! We missed you!" She exclaimed and punctuated with loud smacking kisses on both cheeks.

Vernon extricated the young man before his wife got a little too friendly and was shaking his hand up and down. "Bloody great to see you, son. Bloody great."

Harry was staring at his aunt and uncle fearfully.

"Dudley! Harry's here! Get down here like a proper young gentleman, and don't forget the rose petals!"

"Coming father!" was heard bellowed from up the stairs. Harry's anxiety seemed to be building dangerously now.

Dudley came rumbling down the stairs with a glass bowl of rose petals. He reached the bottom step and looked at Harry. His breath caught in his throat and he whispered. "Oh, Harry." With a couple sniffles and tears in his eyes he rushed up to the young man and hugged him as tightly as he could. "I've been worried sick about you. My heart nearly broke when I heard about your godfather. I know it's unfair that you never got to know him as well as you would have liked, but I know he's somewhere having a gay old time with your parents, and cheering you on." Dudley was sniffling and still clenching Harry in an embrace. "He's still watching you." Dudley had tears in his eyes and a bright smile on his face. "And he's proud of you."

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"He loved you, Harry. Just like we all do. Just like _I_ do." Dudley finished finally releasing his hold on the frightened young Potter.

"You're not gonna buttrape me, are you?" Harry asked with a worried gleam in his eye.

Dudley laughed and femininely patted Harry on the chest. "Oh you stop. You're such a kidder."

Dudley turned to his parents. "Can we show him now? Please, oh pretty please, father?"

Vernon and Petunia were smiling brightly. "Yes, let's. Petunia, music please."

Aunt Petunia ran over to the stereo and hit play. Bette Midler's 'Wind Beneath My Wings' started up. Vernon and Petunia each looped an arm through opposite sides of Harry and began to escort him upstairs. Dudley was leading the way, walking backwards and bowing, while dropping rose petals for Harry to walk on.

Harry was watching his beefy cousin stumble trying to go backwards, and dropping his head every time he met Harry's eyes. Harry was about to ask his aunt what was going on but she just shook her head at him. Vernon and Petunia were just humming to the music playing, leading Harry towards the Master bedroom. Petunia and Vernon's room. Or at least last time Harry saw it, it was his aunt and uncle's bedroom.

As the music reached a small crescendo, Dudley flung open the door to the room and all three Dursley's yelled out, "Abracadabra!"

Harry looked in the room and saw his life flash before his eyes. Literally. This room had been turned into a shrine of Harry. Or at least they tried to. They apparently had very little memorabilia of him but they spread it out enough to appear to fill the room. Hanging across the back wall was a banner that read "The Greatest Person Ever!" It hung directly over a gigantic poster-sized frame. Unfortunately the only picture they had was one they cut out from one of Dudley's grade school yearbooks. It seemed a bit empty being only about an inch and a half in size and trying to fill a 3 foot frame. The dark matting with golden trim made it appear a little larger, but not quite enough. On one of the walls was a colorful poster with a rainbow and shooting stars. It had large bubbly letters that said 'If you believe in MAGIC…" A few of his homework papers were framed and hanging on the walls. Some of them still had scorch marks on them. There was also the picture from Dudley's birthday where Harry could be seen in the background serving the other children cake. Harry smiled at the picture remembering how he knew he wouldn't be getting cake so he had licked or spit on every piece he handed out.

Vernon broke the silence and exclaimed. "We know we haven't been the best family to you, so to show you how much we love you, we made this room for you!"

Petunia added. "We're going to make this summer the greatest summer ever!"

Dudley nodded, still a bit teary-eyed. "It's all you, bro. All you."

Harry was trying to figure out if this situation was a good thing or a bad thing. "Did anyone perhaps mention anything about a congeniality err… drink?"

Vernon's eyes lit up. "Oh you mean the magical potion we got!"

Dudley smiled. "It made me feel all tingly and well, _magical_!" He finished giggling.

Petunia was grinning and maintaining some professionalism. "The dashing, deathly pale, greasy haired, ogre-looking man told us it was a special one. Apparently, we love you so much we needed an even stronger one."

Harry feared what Professor Snape had done. "Did he mention how much stronger?"

Vernon nodded. "Oh yes! It was fascinating hearing about magical potions. He said he took the normal dosage, and then upped it one thousand times a regular person's love power. He couldn't believe we were coherent."

Dudley added in, "I'm still not sure we are!" And he burst out in laughter at his own joke. Vernon and Petunia joined him in appreciation of his own wit.

Harry did not feel safe. "I think I need to go to the bathroom. For an hour or two."

Vernon chuckled. "You know where it's at. You make yourself at home and dig into the trenches. I put a few magazines in there for you."

Harry hurried into the bathroom and locked the door. He sat on the toilet seat and looked over. Sure enough there was a new magazine rack in there. Harry noticed it had Witch Weekly, Quidditch Quarterly, and a new copy of the Quibbler. Harry pulled out the Quibbler thinking he could use a dose of normalcy right about now. The front page article was a bit of a surprise. It was a full page personal ad for Luna Lovegood. Harry scanned it over making mental note to remember certain measurements. He looked at the lists of her positives and negatives. On the 'Pro' side at number 23 was 'Friend of Harry Potter'. This surprised Harry a bit. On the 'Con' side at number 5 was 'Friend of Harry Potter'. This did not surprise Harry in the slightest. But seeing it in print didn't exactly make him feel better.

After a little careful consideration, Harry decided he would spend as much of his summer in this bathroom as he could. He grabbed the Quidditch Quarterly and sat back to read it. He was occasionally disturbed to hear people lumber up to the bathroom door and whisper "I love you!" at him. He found himself laughing one of the times Dudley tried to sneak up and he tripped and most likely slammed his face on the doorknob from the sound of it. He scrambled to make it downstairs and get some first aid, but could be heard calling out "I ruv roo." Harry was imagining that trying to stem the flow of blood from his nose gave him a slight speech impediment.

Vernon knocked on the door and double-checked that Harry was doing okay. At about ten PM, Vernon knocked and wished Harry a good night. He added, "If you need anything, just give a holler out to me or your mother and we'll-" Vernon paused and barked out in laughter. "Excuse me, silly me. Me or your _aunt_ and we'll come running with anything you need. Have a good one, sport. We'll wake you up, when breakfast is ready."

A still scared Harry said, "Oh … kay." And he patiently waited to hear the footsteps of Uncle Vernon walking away. It took about a half hour but he eventually heard them.

About another half hour later, now almost eleven at night, Harry quietly and carefully opened the door. He double-checked that the coast was clear and saw that the Master bedroom door was open and light was still on. It really appeared they wanted him to have that bedroom now. Harry was still a bit apprehensive, but the room did have the most comfortable bed in the house. Harry scurried into it and quickly closed the bedroom door behind him and saw a path of rose petals was still on the floor. It led up to the bed where a brand new pair of silk pajamas was laying.

Harry was not in the mood to wear those to bed, but he didn't want to sleep in his old clothes either. When Harry threw back the comforter and saw brand new satin sheets on the bed, he made his decision on what to wear. Satin just breathes better and why have anything in between your body and that cool refreshing fabric?

Harry drifted lightly off dreaming about a Luna Lovegood blow-up doll. It was barely an hour later when the doll in his dream licked in his ear that a very uncomfortable Harry woke up. He felt something like a large slab of beef jerky pressed up against his back. "Aunt Petunia?"

"Go to sleep, honey. I just want you to feel loved." She said and Harry felt the itchy jerky pressed up against him some more.

Harry was nervous and scared and feeling more than a bit emotional. Aunt Petunia ran her hand down Harry's thigh. She was mumbling apologies about not taking care of her sweet Harry. Of not teaching him the things a mother should. Of not showing him the things a loving caring relationship can provide. She began to run her hand back up Harry's thigh.

"Aunt Petunia. I don't think I'm going to be able to go back to sleep with you in here."

"Tell me, Harry. Have you been taught how to pleasure a woman?"

And that was as much as Harry could take. "Oh, hell no!"

Harry jumped right out of bed and turned on the light. He looked over right as Vernon panned the camera toward Harry. "What the hell is wrong with you people!"

"Son! We're sorry! We just wanted some memories of our other child." Vernon explained and kept taping.

Aunt Petunia sat up and the satin sheet apparently stuck to her front like velcro. "Everything we do is because we love you, Harry. We just want you comfortable. I asked Vernon when he was most comfortable, and do you know what he said?"

Harry couldn't believe what he was hearing. He hurriedly began putting on his clothes and putting the few things he unpacked back in his trunk.

Vernon smiled from behind the camera. "I said I was most comfortable after a good and proper rim job!"

"That's right." Petunia assured with a nod.

Dudley walked in and said. "If there's something else we could do to make you more comfortable, just ask." Dudley began unbuttoning his shirt.

"No! No! No!" Harry began knocking on his temples. "No means no! You hear me!"

"Harry, we just want to show you how much we love you." Petunia said leaning forward, and with a slight slurping sound, the satin sheet peeled away from her, and she was on display for the world to see.

"Holy mother of mercy!" Harry exclaimed. Thank Merlin for survival instincts as his accidental magic again saved his life from imminent danger, apparating him straight into the street of Privet Drive at night. He was lucky enough to be gripping his trunk at the time too.

Harry was pacing in the road yelping out and shivering with a violent tic every once in a while. After a couple minutes he began screaming for Dumbledore at the top of his lungs. Harry wasn't sure who was on duty, but it was barely seconds later he was surrounded by the Headmaster, Kingsley, Remus, Severus, Tonks, and Moody.

"Harry! What has happened? What is going on?" A panicked old man asked.

Harry was incensed. "You made them sick! They're twisted perversions of people now!"

Albus was afraid of this. "Harry, I fear you are overreacting simply because you have never been familiar with a caring and giving family."

Harry looked at the old man incredulously. He could not find the words for rebuttal at the moment.

Albus smiled. "Things like hugs and kisses, and exclamations of affection are perfectly normal!"

"Normal? That was supposed to be normal?" Harry yelled. "My aunt was going to rape me! Out of love!"

Severus quietly muttered, "All rape is out of love." Everyone heard him though and turned to the man. Severus began doubting the accuracy of his statement. "Right?"

Harry looked at the Headmaster and stared hard. "I am not going back there. Ever again."

The Headmaster frowned. "Harry, you need the blood protection."

"It won't protect me from my drugged and psychotic relatives!"

"I am afraid I must insist … on … this…" The Headmaster trailed off as the anger rolling off Harry became palpable. A couple streetlights exploded, and you could hear a rolling chain reaction of car alarms start to go off.

Harry's face was pulsing a vubrant angry red. Spit and drool was falling from his mouth as he snarled at the old man. A voice straight from the most demonic pits of Hell erupted from the small frame of the Boy-Who-Lived who began floating a couple inches off the ground. "NO!" The surrounding Order members all stumbled back a step. Remus suggested, "Perhaps there are some other options we could offer Harry?"

Dumbledore looked pensive. "Very well. Please Harry, calm yourself." Naturally the old man giving him an order like that had the opposite effect and his breathing and snarling was bit louder.

"Here are your options, Harry," Dumbledore offered. Harry slowly settled back onto the ground and was giving the Headmaster his genuine attention now.

"One possibility is that Severus' house elf, Bozo, recently came down ill. He's going to be out of it for a couple months. If you're willing to bond yourself to Severus as his personal property, Severus could use the assistance, particularly with his colostomy bag." The Headmaster suggested.

"Another option is, I know, that Sirius' cell is still available in Azkaban. We could sneak you in there. And you would have shelter and some food. But you cannot do magic there, and there is no light, so you couldn't even read."

Harry was considering these first two options. Both had their good points and their bad points. Compared with the Dursleys, he wasn't sure if any of these sounded like very viable alternatives.

"I also have a slightly maniacal friend, who was looking for some cheap grunt labor. He's going on a hunt this summer and needs someone to be his bitch. This would include occasionally posing as the live human bait. I believe he was looking for a young male as he is hoping to find a mate for his somewhat outcast daughter."

Harry was beginning to think Albus was trying to show that there were no amicable alternatives for him. Though, he did think that last option had some potential.

"One possibility, Severus suggested was that we leave you somewhere public, perhaps near Knockturn Alley, and then allow Voldemort to capture you. He would most likely toy with you, and try to turn you to the Dark Side, but once we're closer to the school term we could mount a rescue mission, and perhaps save you while you're still mostly functional. I wanted to rule that one out right away, but Severus pointed out it would be an excellent opportunity for you to learn more about the Dark Lord, not to mention be a useful character building exercise."

Harry had already entertained that possibility on his own, and was reluctant to rule it out yet either.

"And another option, if you would prefer, I would be willing to take you on as my apprentice. You would stay with me, and study ancient and powerful magic all summer. I would be able to train you in a variety of disciplines. Though you should probably forgive me first, for that one to be possible."

Harry was thinking that getting captured by Voldie was starting to sound pretty sweet.

"The final option, and in my opinion hands down the best one, is, of course, to return to your home. And to learn what it is like to have a caring, loving family supporting you."

Harry looked at the people watching him and weighed the options in his head. "You know, Azkaban and the 'cheap labor for your maniacal friend' are probably the two most likely for me to end the summer with my virtue still intact. All the others seem to carry high probabilities of being sexually defiled."

Albus wasn't exactly pleased with the way this was going.

"Alright. Let's give your maniacal friend a try. Cheap labor and being the bait for a trap. Actually doesn't sound too different from previous summers."

Albus goggled. "Really? That's what you wish to do?"

Harry nodded. "Yup. I think I'd be sticking a shotgun in my mouth within a day if I stayed here. Give someone else a turn at controlling my life and making me hate them worse than the Dark Lord." Harry paused and thought out loud, "Course that might just be a side effect of your natural charisma."

Albus winced and sighed. "I suppose Miss Lovegood will be pleased about this."

Harry snapped his attention to the Headmaster. "You're talking about Luna? You mean I'm going on a…" Harry's voice dropped an octave and he rasped out, "_Snorkack_ hunt?"

Albus nodded.

Harry smiled brightly. "You gotta be kidding me! This is awesome! Do you not realize what a-"

Kingsley stepped forward and grabbed Harry by the shoulder. "Harry!"

"What?" Harry asked.

Kingsley shook him a bit. "Don't you know anything?" He hissed at the boy. "The first rule about Snorkack hunting is you do _not_ talk about Snorkack hunting."

"But they don't even get-"

"The _second_ rule about Snorkack hunting is you _do not_ talk about Snorkack hunting."

Harry looked a bit miffed, but knew he was a novice when it came to Snorkack hunting.

Dumbledore had disappeared, presumably off to contact his maniacal friend, who must be Luna's father, the Editor of the Quibbler.

"Hey Kingsley, you seem to know more about Snorkack hunting than these other poindexters. Is it like, a social faux pas to bring, say, a camera?"

Kingsley smiled broadly. "Of course not! That's half the point. In fact it was due to this very need that a wizard created the most amazing magical object. But no one realizes that it's magic as even muggles buy and use them. They're called 'Polaroid' cameras. No worries about the guy at the photo-mart seeing things he shouldn't. The pictures are developed _magically_! Right when you take them!"

Harry's eyes were wide. "Whoa! That's perfect!"

Remus walked over to the two. "Excuse me, Harry? But what exactly is Snorkack hunting?"

Harry looked at Kingsley and said, "Sorry, Remus. I can't talk about it."

It was nary a moment later that Albus Dumbledore reappeared with a particularly peculiar looking man. He had a beard that nearly rivaled the Headmaster's but the top of his head was as bald and shiny as a baby's. "Harry Potter, I would like you to meet Lionel Lovegood."

"Mr. Potter! Smashing to meet you!" Lionel said shaking Harry's hand vigorously. Lionel turned to Albus and said, "You weren't kidding when you said you had a winner for me. And barely any family to miss him! He's perfect!"

Harry realized he had been cut out of the conversation before his hand had been released or he even said 'Hi' back. "Umm please call me Harry, Mr. Lovegood."

Lionel turned his attention back. "Oh well then I insist you call me Bald, Harry."

Harry turned his attention at the other Order members who looked as unsure as Harry did. "Okay … Bald. So what is the plan now?"

"Well, now we head back to my house, and you can get a decent night's sleep, and tomorrow we head off for Scandinavia. Going to find us a crumple-horned, I can feel it in my bones."

"I'm very much looking forward to the hunt, Bald. Is Luna going to be joining us?"

"Oh yes. They both will."

Harry looked at the Headmaster who seemed to smirk at Harry. Apparently he was expecting Harry to back out of this deal. "Excuse me, Bald? Both? I wasn't aware Luna had any siblings."

"Oh no, Harry, she doesn't. I just meant that both Luna's will be coming with us." Lionel happily explained.

Harry noticed the smirking Headmaster and just nodded and smiled. "Well that makes sense, Bald. Should be fun with two of them. I've only ever met the one at a time."

"Yes, well, baby Luna is still drinking from the tap, so I just wanted to warn you in case she clamps down on your nipple when you're not paying attention."

Harry nodded. "I'll keep my eyes open. And grown-up Luna?"

"Has been on solid foods for well over a decade. Though, you may want to keep an eye on your nipples around her just in case."

Harry gave a large knowing nod. "I learned that lesson early. You know, Bald, I think this is going to be a good summer."

Lionel smiled at the young man. "You betcha Harry." Lionel looked closely at Harry measuring him up and down. "Did you perchance write a will, yet?"

Harry smiled and chuckled. "It's become a sort of weekly ritual for me to update it now. Tell me have you heard the joke about penis-less old man?"

Lionel started laughing and slapped his leg exclaiming, "'And now, he just eats lemon drops!' I love that one. Here, grab on, and we'll warp away."

"Is warping worse than portkeys?"

"Oh heavens no. It just requires that you trust the aliens."

"Well, as long as they're not manipulative, controlling, old men." Harry said and grabbed onto Lionel's arm. The pair appeared to phase out of space with a shimmer and a loud humming sound.

Remus, Kingsley, Moody, Severus, Tonks, and Albus all just watched the two in horrid fascination. If they didn't know better they would have sworn those two were practicing some old routine. When the pair apparently 'warped' away, Severus exclaimed, "What the hell just happened here?"

Albus frowned. "I haven't the foggiest, but I think I should be highly insulted."

Kingsley chuckled. "I think Harry is going to have a fun summer."

Tonks asked, "What do you mean?"

Kingsley responded. "Well, I mean the kid's been oppressed and beaten down and suffered for anything considered abnormal. And now, I think he's going to get to be the exact opposite and everything he ever wished he could have been and done. Harry and Lionel are most likely the only two sane people in their own little world. I'm not too familiar with Miss Lovegood, but something tells me Harry's virtue is in more danger now than ever."

Severus sneered. "Bah! We've wasted too much time on the useless wretch as it is. Hope the Snorkacks get him." And Severus apparated away in the night.

Albus asked Moody. "You're sure he apparated into the street? And there has been nothing from the Ministry?"

"I know what I saw Albus. I also saw him floating off the ground in anger. So you might want to be careful next time you piss him off." And Moody apparated away closely followed by Albus.

Remus and Tonks were asking Kingsley. "Come on. Tell us what you can about Snorkack hunting."

Kingsley shook his head. "It's like a sacred brotherhood. I cannot just spill the secrets."

Remus suggested, "I'll buy you a drink."

"Damn! You already know the secret work-around. Alright. Let's go get blitzed."

Tonks exclaimed "Yes! Drunken stupor here I come!"

Remus just rolled his eyes and he and Tonks followed Kingsley's apparition directions. The three settled into a booth at some muggle dive Remus and Tonks didn't recognize. They all had a few shots and were nursing beers now. "Alright Kingsley, I've sufficiently intoxicated you. Now spill."

Kingsley looked at Tonks and Remus closely. "Alright. Well, as you know I went to the Academy in the States. It's much larger than the auror training facilities over here. And during my years there, I joined a fraternity: Sigma Alpha Male. And one of the initiation rituals of a sort was to take a new recruit out, a few ladies, and go 'Snorkack Hunting'."

Remus and Tonks were listening closely.

"Anyways…part of the whole mystique of Snorkack Hunting is the little that is known about it. There are many rules to it, and some will vary slightly, but everyone everywhere agrees on the first three rules."

"The first rule is you do not talk about Snorkack hunting."

Remus nodded. "Yes, yes. I heard that."

"The second rule is-"

Tonks shook her head. "Yes, yes. We heard that one too."

Kingsley wasn't too happy with the lack of respect the rules were getting.

"And the third rule of Snorkack hunting is…" Kingsley paused and saw his two friends making anticipatory frustrated faces. "Everyone is topless."

"What!" Tonks yelled while Remus just smiled and exclaimed, "Sweet!"

"It attracts the Snorkacks." Kingsley said with a shrug.

A couple of odd stares and Kingsley chuckled at the two. "I'm not entirely sure it's going to be the same sort of hunt for Harry. I think perhaps this is Lionel's way to trap a husband for his daughter more so than frat boys drinking in the woods with the ladies."

Remus looked a bit saddened. "Oh dear. Another old man manipulating Harry. He won't be pleased."

Tonks shook her head. "Umm, actually from what I gathered of Luna, Harry's going to be very pleased and probably quite often."

Kingsley smiled. "Yes. I think this is the sort of thing our self-sacrificing young Potter may be quite willing to forgive." Kingsley had a faraway smile of remembrance. "Boobs can do that to a growing boy."

* * *

Harry and Lionel landed with a crash and both of them fell to the floor. 

"That was just as bad as a portkey, you big honking fibber!" Harry exclaimed as he got back to his feet.

"My apologies, Harry. That was in fact a portkey with a couple illusion spells built-in to the exit and disappearance. A trick my wife made up after watching Star Trek. Anytime we're in muggle inhabited areas, we just yell out, 'Beam me up, Scotty!' and can use them in front of anyone we please."

"Oh… so you just said that stuff to confuse the Headmaster?" A curious Harry asked.

"Yes, well that, and it seemed like pissing him off was one of your goals there, so I tried to do my part." Lionel explained while grabbing a can of frozen orange juice concentrate and a spoon.

Harry smiled in appreciation. "That was beautiful too sir. The looks on their faces were priceless. I never realized that desperately holding onto my lingering sanity was driving me crazy." Harry explained with a smile.

"If you love something, Harry, let it go free. If it comes back, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then I'm afraid that the Dark Lord probably killed it." Lionel explained with a sage voice.

"You know that's the best advice I've gotten in years. I'm hoping my sanity doesn't come back. Life is a lot easier without sanity or things like 'rules' in the way." Harry explained. "So, umm, do you really want me to call you 'Bald'?"

Lionel laughed. "I have no problems with it, but most people just call me Lionel."

"Alright Lionel. Now, umm, what is this about two Lunas?"

"Ahh…of course. You wouldn't know about that. She's probably asleep right now, so I hope she won't begrudge me telling you this one."

Harry sat on the couch and made himself comfortable.

"There was an incident when Luna was about two months old. My wife, Laura, was an Unspeakable. Brilliant woman, though she did occasionally bring work home with her. Well, she was nursing our young daughter, and not paying attention to her necklace. The shiny colors caught baby Luna's eyes and she being a curious young Lovegood, did what anyone else would have done in her place. She grabbed the necklace and ate it."

Surprisingly, Harry thought this made perfect sense.

"Unfortunately, this was not a normal necklace. Although for Unspeakables, it is a relatively common one. It was a time turner. And somehow the baby must have eaten it and activated it. She immediately disappeared. Needless to say, Laura and I were having fits worried and scared. So we were extremely surprised when Luna reappeared mere minutes later in Laura's arms. Laura was so startled she almost dropped her because Luna was not the same as she had left. In fact she was most likely over a year older."

Harry was beginning to think some things about Luna were making a little more sense. Though the love doll image was helping him to stay focused.

"We never knew where Luna went or what happened, so we never reported it. Reporting it would most likely only have gotten my wife into serious trouble. About ten months ago, a month or so before Luna began her fourth year at Hogwarts, baby Luna appeared in grown-up Luna's arms and bit down on her developing breast. I had a mild heart attack, but I'm feeling much better now."

Harry just nodded dumbly.

"Since then we've been raising baby Luna, and occasionally trying to figure out how to send her back to me and my wife fifteen years ago."

Harry asked. "Just occasionally? I kind of thought you'd be far more eager to figure out how to correct this and keep her in her proper time period."

Lionel responded. "I'm a firm believer in the theory that the timeline's cannot be altered. Whatever force it was that takes baby Luna and puts her back into my wife's arms fifteen years ago, is going to come and take baby Luna away no matter what we do."

Harry thought about this and realized he perfectly understood time travel now. Lingering sanity could stay away for all he cared.

Lionel smiled. "And I don't think it is coincidence we're going to track Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. Everyone knows Snorkacks are drawn to the smell of babies. And we wouldn't have a baby around without baby Luna eating that time turner."

Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Or is it dirty diapers Snorkacks like?" Lionel mused.

Harry cringed.

"Either way, she's here, and I can truly appreciate the moments I have with both my more grown-up daughter, and my baby daughter."

"So is Luna actually older than she tells people?"

"Yes, she's most likely been alive longer than you have, at this moment in time."

Harry couldn't deny the allure of an older woman was strong. Musky strong.

A voice from down the hallway called out. "Daddy. You woke me up. And then me woke I up because of you."

Harry turned his head to see Luna Lovegood walk in wearing purple silk pajamas that said "All Valley Karate Championship" on them. Her top was open and there was a young baby quietly suckling on her surprisingly amble bosom. Harry's eyes were wide and he was again cursing Hogwarts robes for keeping so many wonderful secrets.

"Oh, hello Harry. You must be the reason Daddy is being so loud. Can I get you anything to drink?" Luna asked seemingly unperturbed that she was nursing herself from her own tit in front of a guest.

Harry panicked. "Milk." Harry winced. "If you have it, please." Harry was a bit worried.

Luna looked at Harry a bit curiously and nodded. She went into the kitchen to get him a glass of milk.

Harry looked over to Lionel who was watching Harry carefully. "Umm, Lionel, sir, is that safe for her to be doing?"

Lionel kept his eyes on Harry. "Safe for who? Luna or Luna?"

"Luna." Harry said.

"It doesn't hurt her. She used a couple charms to make her lactate. But they're very common among nursemaids to pureblood families and women younger than her have done it." Lionel explained.

"What about Luna then?" Harry asked.

"Well, since these days she's a healthy young woman able to breastfeed a baby, it must not be too harmful to her. It helped make her the young woman you know her to be."

Harry nodded beginning to understand Luna quite a bit better. Though he was still vacillating between slightly disgusted, horrified of the repercussions, and inescapably turned on by the whole situation. His attention refocused when the breasts came back into the room with his beverage.

Luna used her free hand and gave Harry a glass of milk. "Here you are Harry. I assumed you wanted cow milk."

Harry stuttered and was having trouble keeping eye contact. "P-Perfect. Uhhh th-thank you. I-I'm not about to go sucking on a cow's udder but it's probably my favorite." Harry chuckled a little and looked to Lionel for help.

Lionel was just watching the young man intently.

"But then again, I've never tried your milk either." Harry was painfully unable to stop talking at the moment.

"Not that I want to!" Harry exclaimed looking towards Lionel. Harry was thinking about how that sounded and quickly turned back to the breasts on display in the room. "Not that I don't want to!"

Harry really needed to stop talking. He was trying to chuckle and drink his milk now and ended up coughing up much of it down his shirt.

"Settle down, Harry. You're making a mess." Luna said and walked up to him. Harry's eyes were firmly kept on the baby and the way its source of sustenance moved with each step. Luna pulled out a nappie from a pocket in her pajamas. She wiped off Harry's dribbling chin, and was dabbing at the corners of his mouth. She pulled back the cloth she was cleaning him with and spat a healthy dose of time tested mother-approved cleaning solvent into it and went back to cleaning Harry's face.

"There you go." Luna said with a smile.

Harry was unmoving and completely unprepared to deal with the situation he seemed to have put himself in. "I think maybe I should go to breast before I say or do anything else unbearably embarrassing."

Lionel raised an eyebrow at the unaware young man. Inwardly he was enjoying the hell out of this. "Here, let me show you where the breast bedroom is."

"What?" a frightened Harry asked.

Lionel looked at him curiously. "The guest bedroom? Tit's down the hall on the left. Bathroom is last door on the right."

Harry knew his brain was frazzled.

Lionel continued. "My lovely pair of Lunas are in the room across the hall from you. And my room is right next door to hers. Make yourself at home. Tomorrow we head out abroad. Boob night, Harry."

Harry just nodded and picked up his trunk.

The still nursing Luna added. "Boob night, Harry. Sweet dreams. Don't let the nargles consume your soul."

Harry maintained his silence and went into his room. Once he was in there, he closed the door and lay on the bed. He then repeatedly punched himself in the head until he had blacked out into a very welcome blissful sleep.

* * *


	2. Chapter Two

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

**CHAPTER TWO**

Harry woke up when an icy cold bucket of water was unceremoniously dumped all over him. He let loose a frightened shriek and leapt out of bed.

Lionel smiled happily holding his now empty bucket. "Morning, Harry. Sleep well?"

A shivering and timid Harry said "Wh-wh-why did you do that?"

Lionel shrugged and said, "Well your morning sail was flying at full mast and I thought I'd save you a bit of embarrassment while waking you _and_ solving that problem at the same time."

Harry was rubbing up and down his arms for warmth. "Oh. Thank you, I guess." And seconds later Harry was grateful for Lionel's methods when a gorgeous young blonde came into the room carrying a baby.

"Good morning, Harry. Nice to see you dealt with your raging boner." She said with a smile. "Breakfast is ready, Daddy."

Harry was blushing and still acclimating to the openness of the Lovegoods.

Lionel exclaimed. "Wonderful! You hungry, Harry? Luna made her specialty: Pancakes with chocolate chips and peanut butter chips."

Harry nodded and thought that sounded real good. "Sounds great. Let me just change into dry clothes, and then I'll be right out."

Luna and Lionel both looked at him oddly before shaking their heads mournfully and going to the kitchen. Baby Luna gurgled out something that sounded like "moo."

Harry felt a little nervous trying to think what he just said that would warrant the looks he was given and came up with nothing. He was beginning to think he just wasn't logical enough for the Lovegoods but he was going to try and get better.

He arrived in the kitchen to the delicious aroma of melted peanut butter cups and pancakes. He was a bit surprised to see these were not the pancakes he was used too. But were actually two full pans, filled with batter and baked into large cakes with frosting. They were cutting them into slices and baby Luna was in a highchair clapping and cheering.

Harry asked if there was anything he could do to help.

Lionel responded. "Eat up, son. You're going to need your strength. We're going to begin our trip just after breakfast."

Harry was a big fan of 'cake for breakfast' and served himself a healthy slice. He saw two different jugs of milk on the table and was scared to drink from the wrong one. "So how are we getting there? And where are we going?"

Lionel frowned ever so slightly. "I know you're not a fan of them, but we've got an authorized international portkey to take us to the outskirts of the DFA Magical Forest in Sweden. We're beginning our search there."

Harry nodded and ate his cake, just waiting for either Luna or Lionel to drink milk from one of the jugs.

Lionel smiled and said "Luna tells me you have a nice wand and know how to use it?"

Harry swallowed his bite of cake and his mouth was drying up more and more. "Umm, yes sir. I'm fairly proficient at Defense."

"Excellent! Because as international travelers, things like Underage Laws will not affect us, and we may need to fight off the occasional blood-thirsty rampaging beast or two. I know Luna has perfected a violent and occasionally fatal non-clotting castration hex ever since she could lift a wand, and I'd rather you were able to take care of yourself as well."

Harry's mouth was beginning to itch it was so dry now. "No problem sir. I've had to take care of myself many times and should be just fine."

"What's with these _sir_s? Last night it was Lionel or Bald. Why are you so formal this morning?"

Harry looked at Luna, who was feeding baby Luna a bite of cake. "No offense sir, but that was before your daughter commented on my boner. And before you mentioned her violent castration skills as well, sir."

Lionel smiled. "I think I like you, lad. Milk's in the fridge if you wanted some to drink."

Harry smiled gratefully and got up and poured himself a glass. He asked the others if anyone else needed a beverage and received negative replies.

Harry began tentatively, "Umm, sir?"

"Please call me Lionel or something less formal."

"Okay Lionel, if the milk is in the fridge, what's in the two jugs?" Harry said pointing at the jugs on the table.

"Glue in this one and white paint in the other. You can tell a lot about a man through his glue and white paint preferences." Lionel happily explained.

Harry just nodded and confused himself by thinking that made sense.

As they were all finishing their cake, Luna asked, "Daddy, could you watch me for a bit? I was hoping to speak to Harry alone."

Lionel seemed to have an idea about what Luna was going to tell him and agreed. "Of course sweetie. Call me if you need anything."

Luna handed the baby to her father and grabbed Harry's hand. "Come, Harry. We have much to talk about."

Harry was quite confused and followed her back to her own room. "Sure Luna. So, umm, what's up?"

Luna sat on the edge of her bed while Harry pulled the chair away from her desk and sat facing her.

"My father told you about when I ate the time turner as a baby."

Harry nodded.

"And that's why I'm here and going with us on the trip."

Harry nodded.

"What you don't know though, is that the time turner is a big reason for why I am the way I am."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

Luna looked up at Harry with wide open and honest eyes. "It affected me. That magical an object mingling with so young a magical person has effects on their development."

Harry nodded indicating he understood.

"And I'm pretty sure, that it's because of that, that I get impressions of the past and future." Luna explained with her head turned down now.

Harry's eyes were wide. "You get visions?"

Luna shook her head. "Not really visions. Just general feelings and ideas that are stronger than instinct but I trust as much as my instincts. I'm not sure why, but they're never for the present time. Sometimes it's of moments or minutes or hours past, and other times it's of the near future."

Harry had a sad smile. "I think I can understand you better than most. Voldie's been sending me visions for a while now. Well, he was until we went…you know, _there_."

Luna smiled. "I know you can empathize with me. And I want you to know I can empathize with you too. I was nine when my mom died. It's not the same for you and Sirius but it's enough to empathize with."

Harry got a little teary-eyed. "I miss him a lot. But he'd kick my arse for moping. It doesn't exactly work to force yourself to be happy."

"I know what you mean. Your feelings are beyond your control. But before we went I just wanted you to know part of why I am the way I am. And I wanted you to trust me. Sometimes I may have an impression of the future and it does not pay to dally and argue about them." Luna explained.

Harry smiled. "If you say so, I'll trust you."

Luna smiled brightly. "Excellent. Now I can tell you have some questions you've been reluctant to ask me. So go ahead."

Harry exhaled with a bit of relief. "You're nursing yourself! That seems so impossible. And kinky! Why? How? What's it like?"

Luna looked thoughtful. "I need it. I knew I had been breastfed for almost all of my infancy and I was the only working pair of milkalicious boobs around to offer. I insisted, once I realized I was here. Daddy supports me."

Harry was just getting more intrigued by this situation the more he heard about it.

Luna interrupted him before he could ask anything else and said, "As for your next question, the answer is: It varies, but for this first time I'm more than happy to swallow."

Harry was a bit confused what she was talking about until she dropped to her knees and her hands made it quite clear what she was talking about. Harry was going to correct her when he very quickly realized that now that _was_ in fact the next question he was going to ask. Good lord that should have been his first question.

Before he could even pose his next question, Luna came up for breath and assured him that this was Luna and the baby's room, hence the silencing charms still up from the night before.

Harry wondered what he did to deserve this when his pleasure reached a crescendo and he embarrassingly passed out.

* * *

Lionel cast an _Ennervate_ on the unconscious young man. He didn't know exactly what his daughter had told him, but it certainly seems to have sufficiently surprised the young man. 

Harry slowly returned to consciousness and was shaking the cobwebs from his mind. He had yet to open his eyes even. He was trying to remember what happened when it all came back to him. Harry began giggling he was smiling so much. He felt like Hagrid had just told him that magic was real. The experience he had just had was absolutely incredible and no mere adjectives could describe the wonders he had felt.

His elation quickly left him when he opened his eyes and saw a very curious Lionel Lovegood watching the emotions on his face. Harry blanched frightfully. Luna was behind her father, swishing a large mouth full of liquid in between both of her cheeks. Harry seemed even paler and despite the fear on his frozen face and sealed shut mouth, an 'eep' was heard coming from the region of Harry's throat and upper abdomen. He gulped and remained impassive. Luna was now gargling the liquid in her mouth quite loudly while Lionel just kept watching Harry come up with new shades between soft yogurt colored pink and sheet white.

Lionel broke the silence. "Luna mentioned she wanted to brush her teeth before we go. Please use any facilities you may need as I do not want to set up camp until nightfall."

Harry jumped at the opportunity to be away from a father's gaze.

A few minutes later, they were all packed up and ready to go. Harry had two large baby product filled bags and his trunk in his hands. Lionel had some hunting and camping gear. Luna was holding the quietly gurgling baby Luna. The portkey activated and they all reappeared behind a large rock just a few feet from some park trail.

Harry was trying to carry everything and keep up with the Lovegoods, but he was having trouble with two oversized bags and his trunk. Harry felt a bit sheepish when he saw Lionel was no longer carrying anything and Luna just had some sort of sling on and both hands free, with the baby sleeping draped across her belly. Harry caught on, shrunk the things he was carrying, slipped them into his pocket, and caught up with the Lovegoods.

"Sorry bout that. Forget I'm a wizard sometimes."

Lionel waved him off. "It's okay. I forget to breathe at least twice a day, myself."

Luna extended an arm. "Come, Harry. I won't reward you if you dawdle all day."

Harry snapped into action and was more than willing to follow any of her orders without question. Lionel was a bit curious at the control his daughter seemed to have over the young man.

The three were walking deeper into the forest while baby Luna slept quietly surrounded by a small silencing charm so they wouldn't wake her.

"So, umm, Lionel. What are we hoping to see? I mean are we looking for tracks? Or trails left by them? Signs of their droppings maybe or rumored nesting locations?"

Lionel didn't even pause in his strides. "If you see anything like those, please tell me. But there is very little known about the Snorkack. I'm not sure we would recognize tracks or trails or droppings." He paused for a second and added "Or Snorkacks."

Luna smiled at Harry whenever she caught him looking at her.

"So why did you choose this forest to look for them? And what is this forest anyway?"

Lionel replied. "Luna thought this sounded like as good a place as any to start. And this is the DFA Magical Forest."

Luna whispered to Harry. "I always wanted to see Sweden."

"DFA? Does that stand for anything?"

Lionel considered and said. "Good question. And yes it does. It is the Death From Above Magical Forest. But I'm sure they don't really mean that."

Harry sighed. He briefly wondered if there would be truth in Lionel's statement. Harry really felt most people would be able to enjoy this forest for what it is and never worry about things like aerial attacks on their lives. Not two seconds later a bird crapped in his hair just to remind him that he was still Harry Potter.

Luna explained, "Harry. You have bird crap in your hair."

Harry shrugged. "Yes. I do. And it's fresh."

"Aren't you going to clean it out?"

Harry scoffed. "And invite them to crap in it again? Oh no. I won't fall for their tricks."

Lionel said, "Now you're just being silly, Harry." And cast a cleaning charm on the small present in Harry's hair.

Harry shrugged and didn't really mean it when he said, "Thanks."

Two seconds later, Harry looked up and dove to the side pulling Luna on top of him. A giant steaming pile of excrement landed with a loud splat where Harry had been standing. It may have been enough to drown the poor boy if he had caught a direct hit.

"Oh dear" Lionel said slightly apologetically. He quickly cast a bird crap charm in Harry's hair.

Harry frowned a bit and helped the two Luna's up. Baby Luna was now awake having been sufficiently jostled. She cried out loud for no other reason than to upset Harry. At least as far as Harry could figure.

Harry looked up and asked, "Are there dragons in this forest? Or giant eagles?"

Lionel shook his head. "Not to my knowledge."

Harry looked at his near death experience. "Some thestral got some seriously rotten meat then." Quiet snickering could be heard from the tree tops.

Luna calmed baby Luna down and gave her a bottle. Baby Luna took great pleasure in throwing the bottle at Harry and refusing the poor substitute. Harry certainly couldn't blame baby Luna on her attitude. When compared to Luna's breasts, a bottle is just plain insulting. Luna gave in, and lifted the flap covering her right breast's nipple. Baby Luna lunged for it and seemed contented with the juice fresh from the keg rather than a pale imitation in a bottle.

Harry quickly took a few steps in front of Luna and walked ahead of her refusing to look back.

Lionel was enjoying the little playful tortures the young man provided. "Harry?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Back to _sir_ again?"

"Sorry, Lionel."

"Do my daughter's breasts bother you, Harry?"

"Before I answer, Lionel. Are you asking me this to make me feel uncomfortable?"

"More for my own amusement, but your discomfort is a welcome side effect, yes."

"Thank you for being honest, Lionel. I will do the same. They do not bother me on their own. But in conjunction with your presence, that is two competing forces that my brain cannot deal with at a single moment in time. When you're not around, her breasts provide me with untold amounts of pleasure. But in your presence, Lionel, they provide me with anxiety to the point of panic attacks. Did that make sense?"

"Yes, Harry, it did. And you're ruining my fun now."

"Sorry, Lionel. In that case I won't mention any of my personal reactions to her vagina then."

Lionel felt he was losing what little control on this conversation he had to begin with. "I appreciate that, Harry."

Luna added in "Can I still tell you my vagina's reactions to Harry, Daddy?"

He smiled weakly at his daughter. "Of course, sweetie. You can tell me anything."

"Thank you Daddy. Because wet and tingly are just about all I-"

Lionel did not think he would appreciate the young man overhearing this conversation. He subtly sent a small bit of magic out his wand and into baby Luna, who in turn bit down hard.

"Oww! Stupid me! My tits aren't chew toys!" a surprisingly irate Luna exclaimed to her other self.

The young man leading them whimpered a bit like a dog that just lost _his_ favorite chew toy. Lionel pretended not to notice.

Luna was still a bit angry. "Why must I be teething while I'm still breastfeeding myself?"

Harry briefly wondered if anyone since the dawn of time had ever even thought that sentence before and doubted it.

Lionel said, "You've no one to blame but yourself," while Harry added, "It's not your fault."

Luna relaxed. "You're right." Both Harry and Lionel smiled and knew they were right.

"It's just ever since you showed up, Harry, my nipples have been hypersensitive." Luna explained.

Harry suggested, "Have you tried a numbing charm? It's not really a solution but you won't feel the biting at least."

Luna shook her head. "Won't work. We've tried. I refuse to drink from a numbed nipple."

Lionel added, "Which may be a bit bothersome now, but is still a good habit for all of us to have."

Luna halted them. "Actually, let's hold up for a second. I can smell that I'm about to crap." Harry stopped and turned around and saw all three people staring at him. It was a bit disconcerting seeing a baby with wide eyes watching him intently. Particularly with the corner of its mouth wrapped around a nipple.

"Here, Harry, could you hold the baby for a second?" Luna said as she extricated her breast from her baby mouth.

"Umm, me? Are you sure that's…I mean I've never…I don't, I don't even know how to hold a baby." Harry stammered out.

Luna handed him baby Luna and quickly took off the path and into the bushes several yards away. On her way she yelled out, "You got to see my breast, it's the least you can do."

Harry was holding the baby like a diseased piece of wood away from his body. Baby Luna just stared at him curiously. She was surprisingly quiet, but that certainly didn't make Harry any more confident. Harry was watching her intently and saw the baby smiling at him. Harry began to think this wasn't so bad when Lionel stepped up behind him and said "Harry."

This startled Harry significantly at which point he jumped, and whipped around drawing his wand on the threat behind him. When he realized who it was, he began apologizing profusely. "I am so sorry, Lionel. Oh my god! The baby!" Harry looked down at the ground behind him and saw baby Luna was quite dirty and certainly not smiling at Harry anymore.

Harry quickly picked her up and began brushing off bits of dust and bark. He tried to calm the baby and was quietly whispering apologies and begging her to not cry. If he were more experienced with babies, Harry might have noticed she wasn't in fact crying and was just staring at Harry a bit coldly.

"I was hoping we could make it through a day without you dropping my daughter on her head, but I see it was a vain hope." Lionel said quietly. "For both of our sakes, let's not mention this to Luna."

Harry nodded fearfully and was holding baby Luna quite a bit closer now. Baby Luna took advantage of this and bit Harry through his shirt right on his nipple. "Oww!" Harry exclaimed and saw the baby was smiling innocently now.

Luna came back, "Are you okay, Harry? I thought I heard you scream."

Harry smiled nervously. "Fine. Just fine. No worries. Hehe."

Lionel wanted to progress more and asked, "Are we all set to go now?"

Harry asked. "Umm, don't we need to change baby Luna's diaper? I thought you said you were about to crap?"

Luna looked at Harry oddly. "Yes I was about to. That's why I went into the bushes. Did I soil my diaper while I was over there?"

Harry was still getting used to the Lovegoods. "Oh sorry. I misunderstood you. No. I don't think baby Luna has, but I can't-"

Baby Luna still smiling innocently in Harry's arms interrupted him by sticking out her tongue and saying "Pbbthpt!"

Apparently this was a signal Harry was unaware of, and he was surprised to feel her diaper get warmer and fuller. "I think I spoke too soon." Harry finished.

And thus began Harry's first lesson in learning how to change a diaper. Aside from his one exclamation of "Oh dear Lord, she must have lost at least 5 pounds!" Harry found it to be quite informative and disgusting. Harry convinced them it was in his best interests to just study the theory of diaper-changing at first, and perhaps observe it a few more times before moving on to any attempts at the practical applications of his developing skill. Lionel seemed delighted by the entire sequence and seemed to have plans for the impressive bowel movement. A few wipes and some cleaning and they were back on the move deeper into the DFA Magical Forest.

They continued their trek into the heart of the forest for a few more hours. Baby Luna slept for the majority of it, though Harry was both disconcerted and delighted when she needed to feed again. The sun had set and the forest growth was thick. They had very little light now and Lionel elected to set up camp. Harry used his wand to clear off the loose brush and provide them with a smooth level surface to pitch their magical tent. Lionel pulled out a particularly scary looking bust of a caricature of someone's head. He set it on the ground and gave the tongue that was hanging out a firm pull. The tent popped and expanded into what appeared from the outside to be a simple 2-3 person tent. Inside was a complete small cottage with a living room, small kitchen, and a single bedroom with an accompanying bathroom. Harry was expecting this but it still amazed him a bit.

"Lionel, will it be okay if I set up a campfire?" Harry asked.

"Should be fine. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, I just wanted to make sure we wouldn't attract anything dangerous with a fire. Whenever I imagined going camping it always included a campfire at night to keep warm and cook marshmallows or hot dogs around."

Lionel nodded. "Well we've got some marshmallows I know, but we don't have any dogs. And even if we did, it'd probably be a pet and something we would frown upon you cooking."

Harry thought about explaining hot dogs to him but realized he wasn't all that sure just what sort of meat actually went into one.

Luna smiled. "Oooh! We can huddle around the fire and tell bloody visceral googamooga stories!"

Harry asked, "Those anything similar to muggle ghost stories?"

"Almost identical," Luna explained. "Except there aren't any muggle ghosts, and there's usually a lot of painful tearing of flesh."

Harry smiled. "I think I'd like to hear one of those."

Lionel had the fed and content baby Luna and took her into the bedroom to put her to sleep. Harry used his wand and assembled a small circle of rocks around an area. When Luna didn't know any good hole digging spells, Harry just decided to juice up a _Reducto_ and cast it into the ground. The explosion that followed uprooted a few trees and cleared a good ten foot deep, thirty foot wide crater.

Lionel had just changed baby Luna into her jammies and was holding up his adorable and precious baby daughter. He was unprepared for the explosion or the resultant shock wave. And for the second time, on just the first day of their trip, baby Luna was dropped on her head.

"What in the bloody blue blazes happened? Are you two alright?" Lionel came out carrying the crying baby Luna.

"Yes Daddy. We're fine. Harry's just having some minor control issues." Luna explained.

Harry was still a bit scared and embarrassed and just nodded to Lionel.

Lionel was holding the quietly crying baby and was giving his daughter the evil eye.

Unsurprisingly this didn't have the slightest effect on Luna. "I haven't even taken any of my breasts out." Luna explained. "Yet."

Harry couldn't stop a smile from blossoming.

Lionel quirked his lips for a bit and just said, "Be careful you two. I'm going to try and put baby Luna down again. Please, let's leave all further major excavations for the morning."

Harry had a very serious face and was still nodding at Lionel.

Harry levitated a large chunk of rock out of where it landed after the blast. He decided to use the indentation it made for a fire pit rather than try casting at the ground again.

Luna thanked Harry for rocking her world.

What seemed like mere minutes later, the pair was sitting next to each other watching the flames of their campfire flicker under a dark sky filled with stars.

Luna finally broke the pleasant silence that had descended between the two teens. "Do you think anal sex hurts the first time?"

Harry sent a silent prayer to whoever was responsible for Luna's incredible conversation skills. "Can't say that I've ever tried it, but I would expect it's one of those pains you get used to."

Luna seemed to be considering the prospect. And Harry was ready to swear he could feel her clenching and unclenching her adorable little bottom.

"Wait…is this some sort of lead-in to a googamooga story? Because I don't think I want to hear about _that_ sort of painful tearing of flesh."

Luna looked over at her silly friend. "Don't be ridiculous, Harry. Googamooga's don't have anuses."

Harry was watching Luna. She seemed more open and honest than usual. He smiled and asked, "What exactly is a googamooga?"

Luna resumed her usual slightly glazed over look. "You mean you don't know?"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "I don't think you do either."

Luna looked intently at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Harry challenged her. "It means you're still trying to make up something for a googamooga."

Luna looked a bit sad and turned her head to the sky. "I'm used to no one believing me."

Harry didn't mean to hurt her feelings. "I never said I didn't believe you."

Luna showed a slight bit of frustration. "You said I was making something up."

Harry smiled. "True. But that doesn't necessitate disbelief."

Luna frowned in confusion.

"How am I to know if you tell me googamooga are anusless small mammals that feast on the soft tissue of earlobes. You're a brilliant witch. You've already traveled 15 years through time. You could create googamoogas and send them back to the past, even if you haven't ever actually seen or made one yet. You're still making it up. And still I believe you."

Luna couldn't stop a blush and smile no matter how much she tried to fight it.

"Luna, in case you haven't noticed, with some of the pretty fantastical things you've told me about, I always believe you unless I have a specific reason not to."

Luna leaned over and rested her head on Harry's shoulder.

"I mean like the idea of Fudge commanding a heliotrope army? I'm sorry, Luna, but I have way too much respect for heliopaths to honestly believe they would follow a goblin-pie baking buffoon of a man like Fudge."

Luna giggled happily and just sat there watching the fire.

The two teens heard a quiet click, a sigh, and a mumbled "Dammit."

* * *

Lionel had just finished putting the baby to sleep and quietly walked towards the door of the tent. He saw Harry sitting quite close to his daughter and they were both just silent. He could see Luna working up the courage to speak and was a bit startled at her conversation opener. As soon as he spotted the smile on Harry's face he summoned one of his hunting rifles and made sure it was loaded. He wasn't about to let anyone hurt his pride and joy and he was waiting for his opportunity. He saw his daughter get upset and the young man seemed to be smiling while he was hurting her feelings. He had lined up the young man in his sights, which wasn't too difficult considering he was barely 15 feet away. Unfortunately, Harry turned out to be a very good friend and he saw the joy his daughter was exuberating. Harry cracked a joke and further showed his knowledge of the Lovegoods and _The Quibbler_. When he saw his daughter's contentment and heard her giggling, he knew he couldn't hurt the young man. 

He clicked the safety back on his rifle, sighed loudly, and muttered "Dammit!"

Lionel walked out to join the two teens around the fire. "How are you kids holding up?"

Harry was briefly startled and tried to lean away from Luna. Luna just grabbed onto Harry and wouldn't let him slink away. "We're doing great, Daddy. How are you?"

"I'm doing good, sweetheart. You're sleeping soundly now, but I've got an inverted silencing charm and mild _Sonorus_ surrounding baby Luna at the moment. How bout you, Harry?"

Harry smiled. "Just fine, Lionel. I was thinking about roasting a marshmallow or two. You guys interested?"

Luna smiled brightly. "I've never roasted one before! Do they scream?"

Harry considered. "Pretty sure they don't but I never paid that close attention to it."

Lionel was watching his daughter and thinking. He eventually said, "I think I'll leave the marshmallow murders to you two. I'll keep an eye on baby Luna, and have a night in. Harry, would you come with me for a second and I'll give you guys a pair of dinners. That sound good?"

Luna ran up to her father, kissed him on the cheek, and hugged him. "Thank you, Daddy."

Lionel walked back into the tent and Harry followed after him. Harry asked, "You sure you don't want to join us, Lionel? I bet you'll like the marshmallows."

Lionel looked over at Harry. "Harry, did you know the most important thing to a father is his daughter's happiness?"

Harry gulped. "I'd imagined so, sir. But I haven't had much positive family experience to back that up."

Lionel sighed. "No I suppose you haven't. You've had all three parental figures in your life die for you."

Harry looked away.

"But I just want you to be aware, and I'm sure that this goes for your parents and godfather too, that most parents would also _kill_ for their children."

Harry looked Lionel straight in the eye now. "I'm not sure what is going on between me and Luna, but first and foremost she is my friend. And I would die for my friends."

Lionel sighed. He had a resigned look on his face. After ten seconds of silence he burst out, "Oh what a bunch of malarkey!"

Harry was confused. "Pardon me, sir?"

"You take the fun out of being an overprotective father, Harry." Lionel explained.

"Sorry 'bout that, sir."

"Bah! Here take a couple sandwich dinners. Marshmallows are in the far right cabinet. In between the cotton balls and the condoms full of cocaine. Help yourself. Tell Luna I expect her to sleep in the bedroom. And tell her I love her. Good night, Harry."

"Good night, Lionel." Harry responded and walked back outside with a couple of sack lunches and a bag of marshmallows.

"Alright, Harry?" Luna asked.

"Peachy, Luna. Though I'm supposed to tell you I love her." Harry responded.

Luna paused and asked. "Who's 'her'?"

Harry shook his head. "Dunno. Your father told me to tell you I love her."

Luna furrowed her brow.

"Oh and also, I expect her to sleep in the bedroom."

"Well it doesn't sound like baby Luna." Luna thought for a moment. "I'm all for Daddy dating again, but I wish he would tell me her name."

Harry just shook his head unsure about Lionel. He handed Luna a sack lunch for dinner and said "Here, let's eat first, and then stuff ourselves with marshmallows for dessert."

The pair polished off their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and bags of crisps. Now Harry was teaching Luna all about roasting marshmallows. The young friends took turns stabbing marshmallows to death and then burning their delicious creamy corpses. Naturally, they'd let them catch fire, and then blow them out so they'd have a bubbly brown thin crisp coating, but not quite blackened. Only once did Harry forget to blow his out before eating it. But then again that's exactly the sort of mistake that you learn from.

He then attempted to cast a charm to grow back his roasted eyebrows. And again, he learned from his mistake when his eyebrows hung down to his chin. They talked amicably about nothing of importance. Seemingly neither wanted to address the developing tension between them and their own burgeoning relationship. And neither noticed any of the animals that had been attracted to the fire and the roughhousing the two young adults were doing. So of course they didn't notice the Swedish magical Forest Ranger. Nor could they possibly have known that he was reporting to far more than just his position's superior.

The two smitten and happy young adults yawned simultaneously and decided to call it a night. Harry was taking the couch in the living room, while Luna went into the bedroom where her father and baby other self were sleeping. She was mildly disappointed to see no female love interest for her father, but decided he would talk about it when he felt up to it. She had some plans for the morning, but right now fell into a blissful sleep watching the baby drooling everywhere.

* * *

Deep in the heart of an evil castle, a proud young hatemonger ran up to his Master. "My Lord! I have news for you!" 

The Dark Lord looked down at the young man before him. "This better be good. You're holding up a muggle screaming contest."

"Of course, My Lord. I just thought you would like to know that Potter is away from the muggle-loving fool. He appears to be camping with his blonde girlfriend. And I think they were alone."

"Dumbledore isn't guarding his little golden boy? This is curious…" Voldemort pondered. "And a blonde girlfriend? The Lovegood girl from the Ministry last month?"

"I do not know, Master. I have a friend who works as a Forest Ranger who just happened to have spotted him in the DFA Magical Forest." The scared young man explained fearfully.

"This news pleases me. You have done well. You may stay for the contest if you wish." The Dark Lord calmly replied. "Bella! Bring on the contestants!"

"Thank you, My Lord and Master, you sexy beast, you! First off, from Australia, we have Stan! Everyone give Stan a round of applause!" Bella bellowed. She took her wand and quietly cast '_Accio nuts_' and a scared young Stan was forcefully pulled in a particularly painful manner into a circle of cheering and laughing Death Eaters. "Our next contestant, from the good old U. S. of A., we have Randy! Randy, come on down." An intentionally miscast _Wingardium Leviosa_ shot Randy twenty feet into the air before he landed with a painful loud splat right next to Stan.

Many observed the Dark Lord smiling and politely clapping along.

Bella continued, "Our final muggle toy of the night comes from right here in the Great land of Britian. His name is Ed. Ed, get your arse down here!" Ed having seen what happened to Randy and Stan quickly waddled over to the two others before anything propelled him through the air. Considering he was tied up in ropes, it was a mildly impressive feat.

The Dark Lord stood up and everyone quieted. "I want to see some nice, clean muggle torture. Round 1 is limited to mild pain at most. Round 2, you can extol as much pain as you like, but try to leave no lasting marks. Round 3, of course, anything goes."

Bella was paying close attention and smiling. She stuck her hand in the air and was waiting to be called on.

"Yes, Bella?" the Dark Lord asked.

"What about Severus?"

"Ah yes, Severus. Well, Severus, I restricted Round 1 to mild pain, so you may not take off your pants until at least Round 2." The Dark Lord clarified.

Bella was muttering about unfair advantages.

"If there are no more interruptions…" the Dark Lord said with an angry snarl.

Peter Pettigrew said, "Excuse me, Master, but-"

The Dark Lord just rolled his eyes and cast a Cruciatus at the idiotic sniveling worm who quickly fell to the floor screaming in pain.

"You really do seem to get stupider with age, don't you, Peter? As I was saying, tonight's secret ingredient is: Rusty razor blades!" Voldemort exclaimed with glee. He whipped a sheet off a giant cauldron revealing it full of old used razor blades. Voldemort smiled evilly a bit, took out a softly boiled baby head and bit a healthy chunk out of it. After swallowing and smiling he exclaimed, "Let's get it on!"

Needless to say, when Round 2 rolled around and the pants came off, Severus managed to scare two of the three muggles to death immediately, and was the undisputed winner with their withering death knells.

_**

* * *

**_


	3. Chapter Three

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

_**Author's Note:** Very briefly, I want to remind readers this is rated 'M' and has plenty of adult-themed innuendo and frankly, bodily by-products, as well as a smidgeon of violence and gore.  
_

* * *

**CHAPTER THREE**

Harry was slowly making his way back to consciousness. He was a bit confused at first since he remembered twisting and turning and falling off the couch trying to sleep through the night. But right now, he could feel he was stretched out on a large comfortable bed with jersey knit sheets and a quilt half folded underneath him. He also knew he fell asleep with his pants and boxers on. So nearest Harry could figure, he was either dreaming, or something happened while he was asleep.

All of this limited information was filtering through his subconscious, but the only thing his conscious mind could connect to, was the indescribable pleasure washing over his entire body. He slowly opened his eyes and saw Luna doing an impressive impression of a vacuum cleaner and that she was clearly the source of his body's inability to do anything but enjoy this feeling. Harry knew he had never been woken before in such a way. And he also knew, that waking up any other way would never compare. He was relaxing into her ministrations and turned his head over to the right.

There lying next to him, in the same outfit he was wearing, a T-shirt and a completely naked bottom half, was baby Luna watching Harry curiously. Baby Luna seemed to be pretending to be Harry and was kicking her cute naked baby legs up and down in the air, while making little scrunching faces. Subconsciously, Harry was scared and a bit worried about the effect this would have on the baby. Luckily, his conscious mind had firm hold on the fact that the only thing that mattered right now was Luna and her own firm hold.

Less than a minute later, Harry was grabbing and bunching the sheet and quilt below him and moaning out a girlish "mooeeyargh…ngh" Luna smiled and seemed delighted to make sure not to miss a drop. Harry's body relaxed and he fell back on the bed.

Baby Luna giggled and said "moo."

Harry was catching his breath now. "Luna. That… that was incredible. That was amazing. That was fantastic."

Luna smiled happily and started to put a diaper on baby Luna. "You're welcome, Harry."

Harry was overcome with emotion. And for the first time he shyly said, "I… I love you."

Luna cheerfully replied, "If you must."

Harry sat back up now, and saw Lionel face down on the floor in polka dot pajamas with his legs sprawled out a bit. "What happened to Lionel?"

Luna picked up baby Luna now. "Oh he's fine. I stunned him before he woke up and just rolled him out of bed. Then I levitated you in here and stripped your bottom half. Then, of course, I woke up because I'd filled another diaper. I was changing my diaper and cleaning my bottom, when I noticed your reaction in your sleep. It seems the open air or perhaps your dreams affected you, as your flesh soldier was standing at rigid attention."

Harry was blushing just listening to her and her words seemed to have an affect on his soldier too.

"At ease, Private Privates," Luna ordered. "I was hungry before. Now I'm full and going to wake Daddy. Perhaps you might want to put some pants on."

Harry was sitting up and unsure what to do about this latest development. Luna of course tackled the situation to the best of her ability and cast an _Aqueous_ right at the offending member. When it responded with a little sizzling and steam escaping while Harry sighed contentedly, she realized this was not going to be an effective course of action. Switching to a freezing charm rather than a water charm seemed to work quite well though.

Harry jumped and yelped and was angry for a half a second, but realized the grin on his face was still plastered in place and wide. Luna could probably hit him with an unforgivable and he'd forgive her in a second. He hurried into the living room and was getting dressed while Luna levitated her father back onto the large bed.

Luna cast an _Ennervate_ on her father and walked into the living room carrying baby Luna. Lionel woke up none the wiser to this morning's events. It was one of those things where he really wouldn't want to know. But when he walked into the living room and saw the guilty look on Harry's face and smile on grown-up Luna's he knew he was in for it. He knew his daughter pretty well, and he knew Harry was in for it now too.

Luna noticed a small bump on baby Luna. "Looks like baby Luna is getting a bruise on her head."

Lionel quickly assured her. "I didn't drop you."

Harry snapped his head towards Lionel and rather than an accusing look he saw a very guilty look. Harry raised a questioning eyebrow.

Lionel just shook his head, put his finger to his mouth and whispered "shhh" at Harry. The motion was a bit less than effective since Luna was watching their interaction. Harry just turned towards Luna smiled and shrugged.

She had her eyes narrowed on both of them while they packed up everything and got ready for the rest of the days hike.

Harry, Lionel, and both Lunas were on the move again deeper into the forest.

"So Lionel, if we don't know where the Snorkacks are, then where exactly are we going?"

"Why to places we haven't been yet." Lionel explained.

"Oh, right." Harry responded lamely. "I suppose that's one of the two places the Snorkacks might be."

"Just two?" Lionel asked with a smile.

Harry smiled back. "Sure, either they're at places we haven't been yet, or places we already have been."

Luna lightly added, "By that way of thinking, there's at least one other place they might be."

Harry paused, considering that one. They continued walking for a little while, and finally Harry broke. "Alright, I give. Where else could they be?"

Lionel smiled. "Places we've already been, and places we haven't yet been cover only the past and future. Don't overlook where you are right now."

Harry smiled with dawning comprehension. "Right, they're either where we have been, where we haven't been yet, or where we are right now. I never even considered the present."

Lionel nodded and added. "True. But I was pointing out you shouldn't overlook where you are right now."

Harry was now confused again.

Luna, still softly carrying her sleeping infant self, added, "I believe Daddy is referring to the poison ivy and poop you keep stepping through."

"Ahh crap!" Harry exclaimed noticing the path he had walked.

"Exactly," Lionel and Luna smiled and said in unison.

* * *

"Flipping newbies," Nott mumbled. 

Mulciber tended to agree with Nott. Three inner circle members and three fresh recruits seemed overkill for two school kids. "I find it hard to believe the muggle-lover would leave him so unprotected. There's got to be something we're missing."

Cavanaugh shook his head. "All of our spies seem to not know where the Brat is. I wouldn't be surprised if the muggle-lover just assumes no one would find out he's even left his relatives' house."

One of the young Death Eaters asked, "So why aren't we going? He's just a kid. Let's grab him and get this over with."

"Watch yourself, Stokley," Nott warned. "We're going to start searching the forest after dusk. It will be a lot easier with the cover of darkness."

Another newbie, Harrison added, "And don't underestimate him either. How much do you even know about that _kid_?"

Cavanaugh guffawed. "Scared, Harrison? Does the ickle boy frighten you?"

Harrison's expression didn't change. "It has nothing to do with fear. You all know that over exposure to dark magic can corrupt a person. And that young children are more susceptible to its influence and control, right?"

Mulciber, Nott, Cavanaugh, and Stokley were all nodding, while Wayne was quietly contemplating.

"Well, what do you think the lingering effects of a killing curse cast by our Lord would do to an infant? I mean we've all heard the rumors of Potter's scar acting up, burning with pain, giving him visions." Harrison explained. "I'm just saying, it's pretty clear there's more to Potter than meets the eye. Even if he's as weak and hopeless as a squib, his track record and his luck kind of stand out."

"I heard he killed a basilisk when he was twelve." Wayne offered.

Mulciber wasn't buying it. "Oh come on. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. A twelve year old killing a basilisk."

Harrison agreed. "True, any other kid, I'd never believe that, but with Potter, I have to wonder…" Harrison shrugged unsure.

Nott pursed his lips. "He did appear to overcome our Lord in that magical light dome at his rebirth. And, for what it's worth, I do remember Lucius whining about Potter and a basilisk."

Stokley rolled his eyes. "Either you guys are failing miserably at trying to scare me, or you're all a bunch of pussies." Stokley finished shaking his head and walking away.

Mulciber smiled and gave a thumbs up. "Good news for us. If anyone gets caught or killed, it's pretty much guaranteed to be him now." Mulciber said pointing towards Stokley's retreating back.

* * *

They'd been hiking all day. Barring the one unfortunate incident where Harry got his first hands-on experience changing a diaper, it had been uneventful. And true, when Harry was holding the enormous bladder disguised as baby Luna, he did turn to Lionel while she was peeing and managed to direct her stream at her father. Turning towards grown-up Luna and accidentally re-aiming the reclining baby Luna was not met with any useful help. Harry said a silent prayer to the creator of _Scourgify_ once again. 

Grown-up Luna's minor urine dousing came with the bonus of convincing grown-up Luna to change her clothes. More silent prayers were recited to whoever came up with the idea of a butterbeer bottle cap bikini top. An additional bonus to the change of grown-up Luna's attire was that it came at the same time Harry and Lionel messed up a simple baby hand-off. Needless to say, baby Luna was dropped on her head, and both men were cursing the ease with which infants bruised.

And so now, Harry, Lionel, Luna, and Luna were seated at the dining table, all four with equally dirty bibs. Lionel went back to the refrigerated cabinet and poured the last of a green bottle of milk into his glass.

"Excuse me, Daddy," grown-up Luna asked. "But have you been drinking the milk in that bottle?"

Harry seemed to be ignoring the conversation and was doing what he had been doing all throughout dinner: trying to read the tops of the butterbeer bottle caps Luna was wearing.

Lionel frowned. "Yes. I thought we'd agreed the _special_ milk for baby Luna would stay in brown bottles."

Luna bobbed her head in agreement. "We did. And it is. But I told you only the clear bottles of milk were safe for you."

Harry's eyes widened at the movements in his reading material.

Lionel frowned. "So what have I been drinking then?"

Luna shrugged. "I'm not certain but I think that one was _special_ milk, mixed with a mild sleeping potion, for when I want to calm baby me down."

Lionel pursed his lips. "It must be really mild, as I don't even feel drow-…" And with that Lionel fell to the floor unconscious.

Luna shook her head and explained to her passed out father. "It's not all that mild. It just takes a little time to kick in."

Harry was still entranced by slight movements and gave the appearance of being nearly illiterate for as long as this was taking him to read.

Luna grabbed the slightly better than half-filled glass her father had been using, and poured it into a bottle. She handed the bottle to a curious looking baby Luna. "Sorry me, but I think I'm going to give my boobs a breather for tonight."

Baby Luna reluctantly mooed and began nursing her bottle. She too was fast asleep mere minutes later.

Luna turned to Harry, "Would you care for some more marshmallow genocide this evening?"

Harry snapped out of his daze realizing he was at the dinner table. "What? Oh… yeah. Of course."

"Good." Luna smiled. "I'm going to put Dad and me to bed, and change into a shirt. These bottle caps are digging into my nipples."

"Those bastards!" Harry exclaimed. "I'll kill them!"

Luna tilted her head. "They're just bottle caps. I've already sucked out their soul."

Harry's anger quickly left and smiled. "Alright then. You know a lot more about how to suck than I do." Harry noticed his untouched dinner plate. "I'll just finish my dinner here while you're changing, and meet you outside with the marshmallows."

Luna nodded as she picked up baby Luna and took her to the bedroom. "And if you like, I can teach you how to suck." The deadpan expression never left her face, though Harry on the other hand began to look like a sweaty over ripe tomato as he stuttered out no response.

Harry scarfed down his meal in record time, and hurriedly found some good 'stabbing stakes,' which Luna had earlier pointed out were extremely useful in preventing vampiric marshmallows. Magic wands, they discovered made for very poor marshmallow roasting sticks. Phoenix feather cores and fires apparently don't mix as well as Harry had assumed. He didn't really like his eyebrows much anyways. And besides the way this trip was going, he definitely needed the practice spelling them back.

Luna re-emerged wearing a tight pink T-shirt rather than a butterbeer bottle cap bikini top. This would rank on Harry's disappointment scale somewhere around winning a quidditch match 280-50 rather than 270-40. Or perhaps closer to winning a flying rug instead of a flying carpet.

"Wow, Luna," Harry breathed out after a couple gulps. "You look great. Your boobs feeling better?"

Luna smiled. "Much. Thank you."

Harry smiled and presented her with a choice of stabbing stakes and then first dibs on which marshmallow to 'shiv and burn', as Luna like to call it.

They talked about nothing much in particular and they ended up dropping as many burnt marshmallows into the fire as they managed to eat. Finally, Harry worked up that vaunted Gryffindor courage and asked Luna a question that had been bugging him for a while now. "Err, Luna? Are we like, you know, the boyfriend-girlfriend couple thingie?"

Luna had a feeling he was going to ask something serious and had looked away. She quietly asked, "Do you want me to be your girlfriend?"

Harry assumed this to be the dumbest question in the world. "Well… yeah!"

Luna blushed a bit and said, "Oh. Okay. Well in that case the answer is: yes, as you said, we are like, you know."

Harry was getting even more nervous now. "Good. That's good… news. It's just you know I'm sort of new to the whole boyfriend kind of thing. Should I be holding your hand? Should I be buying you expensive things? Should I be hiring a barrister and negotiating a dowry with your father?"

Luna addressed his questions in a calm professional tone. "Holding my hand? It's up to you, but probably worth trying. Buying me expensive things?" Luna's eyes hardened and her voice dropped lower. "Yes," she icily hissed out before returning to her calm professional tone. "Hiring a barrister and negotiating a dowry?" Her face warmed and she patronizingly scolded, "Oh Harry, that's just crazy talk."

Harry felt a bit sheepish but was happy to reach out and hold Luna's hand.

"All you have to do is be honest and open in communication with me." Luna's eyes brightened. "Actually, I've got an idea for right now. This could be an excellent way to get you more involved as a boyfriend."

Harry was a bit concerned at the responsibilities being heaped his direction, but it's all a measure of work towards a reward. And he'd never encountered a reward quite as awe inspiring as this one.

Luna continued clinically, "I know I've taken some liberties in procuring protein shakes when it strikes my fancy, but you've never verbally expressed a desire of your own."

"What?" Harry yelped and was frustrated to hear his voice crack. "I mean, err… could you repeat that? Preferably with enough small words I don't need to wait for blood to reach my brain."

Luna smiled. "I want you to know, it's okay to ask me questions or to make requests. If you want to kiss me, or hold me, or even touch unfamiliar parts of my body, I would like you to ask me."

Harry nervously gulped again.

Luna pursed her lips in thought. "I can't say yes, until after you ask me."

Harry whimpered a bit. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He quietly mumbled something unintelligible.

Luna smiled victoriously. "No one else around is awake, Harry. I'm going to need you to repeat that a little louder." Her eyes narrowed on Harry and suggested, "Or you can whisper it into my ear, if you prefer."

Harry's confidence was gaining. He leaned forward and whispered his hot breath in Luna's ear as he quickly rambled out, "Can I- Can I- Can I touch your bum?"

Luna leaned back with a curious face and repeated loudly looking at Harry, "You want to touch my _bum_?"

Harry blushed and quickly looked around for eavesdroppers. "Shhh!"

Luna frowned and gave Harry a look.

"Fine," he grumbled and then stated louder, "I err, I … I would like it if you would let me touch your bum."

Luna leaned forward and arched her back. She ran a hand across her bottom. "You want to touch it? I don't think that's all. I think you need to be a little more descriptive when you're verbally expressing your desires. Tell me how you want to touch it."

Harry was staring at the small of Luna's back, and the perfectly rounded rump it led into. He just let the thoughts in his head flow straight out of his mouth. "I want to pinch it and squeeze it. I want to cuddle and snuggle with it. I want caress it and hold it lovingly after rubbing it raw." He paused for a breath, though his focus never strayed from her heinie. "I want to see it, hear it, smell it, feel it, and taste it. I want to lick it, nibble it, nip at it and full on open-mouth kiss it." Harry was on a roll with this open honesty stuff. "I want to relax and settle my face in between its warm full mounds of pale cream colored rosy-tinted flesh and whisper sweet nothings to it."

Luna briefly considered stopping Harry before he went too far, but knew she couldn't stifle him just as he's opening up.

Harry was unrelenting. "I want to name the left cheek Velma and the right cheek Daphne. I want Daphne to be jealous of the extra attention I pay to Velma. Even though Daphne is the more classically beautiful one, its Velma's imperfections and individuality that make me love her more."

Luna's eyes widened listening to her officially kinky boyfriend. She continued tracing the curve of her delectably juicy posterior.

"I want to be a caterpillar so that it could be my cocoon. I want it bronzed so the world will forever remember it. I want it stuffed and mounted on the wall staring down on me and judging me. I want it to find me worthy," Harry paused briefly before finishing with a snarl and a deep shudder, "and _hate_ me for it."

Luna let out a breath she didn't even realize she had been holding. "Wow. You've been keeping things bottled up for a while, haven't you?"

"Sorry," Harry said with a wince. "Too much?"

Luna smiled wickedly and shook her head "Not in the slightest. In fact, Velma's been picking on Daphne because you like her better. I think perhaps Velma deserves to be… _punished_." She finished with a firm slap on Velma, the left cheek.

A whimpering groan escaped from Harry's mouth and he had to curl his lips closed to keep his growls from attracting other animals.

Harry was about to reach out and give Velma her due, when his instincts kicked in as he felt what he suspected to be several magical wards go up over the area. He snapped his head towards the darkness to the north of their campsite. Something wasn't right out there. He'd gotten this feeling many times before, and it had never been wrong yet. Before he could even say anything, Luna had placed a calming hand on Harry's chest. "Death Eaters, Harry. I must wake Daddy."

Harry looked at Luna oddly, but saw her sad smile, and remembered the premonitions of a sort that she infrequently received. Luna hurried back into the magical tent, while Harry could only watch Velma and Daphne battling and working in perfect synchronization as they ran away from him.

Before getting lost in a daze, Harry's instincts flared again. He cast a solid shield and turned around right as a curse was about to nail his unprotected back. He used his thick metal shield and with a loud clang, swatted the navy blue spell away like an annoying pest.

"You wretched knob-gobbling bastards!" Harry yelled as he slowly marched towards the direction the spell came from. Two more spells flew at him from different positions. Ducking a dirty yellow one, and swatting another blue one away with his shield.

"Of all the times in the world, you show up now." Harry growled out. Continuing to move forward, he could hear them yelling their whispers to each other. With his left hand holding his shield steady, he gently twirled the wand in his right hand towards the ground. After gathering enough juice in it, he flicked it forward and the small ball of magic lobbed slowly through the air towards the area the spells had come from. He quickly cast a specialized shield on his eyes, just as his lob reached its destination and exploded in a brilliant and blinding flash of light. All of the attacking Death Eaters hissed and clutched their eyes in pain.

"Six? That's all I warrant these days? Six mindless sycophants?" Harry taunted after having been observing his enemies during his flare burst. "And it looked like at least three flipping newbies."

"Give up Potter!" a Death Eater yelled. "Or we'll kill your little girlfriend."

Harry snarled. "Nott! How the hell did you get out? Manage a break out already or did Lucius have to pull out his checkbook?"

The spells were beginning to come at Harry again, while he just kept marching straight towards Nott.

Nott was panicking. This was not at all going like he expected. Potter had always been so meek in the past. And right now, Potter seemed to be sitting on a lot of anger. Potter was barely fifteen feet away and had just batted Nott's bone breaking curse straight back at him. Nott dove to the side out of the way of the curse. He had time to look up and think, "Shit."

When Harry saw Nott dive out of the way of his own reflected curse, he saw an opportunity. Harry charged forward, grabbed hold of his trusty solid metal shield with both hands and swung it straight into Nott Sr.'s face. The fleshy clang and small explosion of blood was pretty disgusting to Harry. The force of the hit completely smashed in Nott's nose, knocking the bridge straight back into his brain. Nott was dead before he hit the ground.

Harry had barely a moment to acknowledge the fact that he just killed another man, when he heard _Crucio_ from just a few feet behind him. The intense pain forced all of Harry's muscles to spasm and he fell forward under the curse. He was clenching his teeth, biting back a scream.

Mulciber just kept the curse going on Potter, wondering how the hell the kid wasn't screaming. He could see how much it was hurting Potter.

Harry struggled his way back up and turned to the Death Eater behind him. Right now, he needed to stop this curse before it killed him. As he stood and began walking towards him, the fear in the Death Eater's eyes inspired strength in Harry's movements. Doing his best to ignore the pain he was in, Harry managed to reach up and snatch the wand straight from the shocked Death Eater's hand, immediately canceling the _Cruciatus_. It took Harry less than a second to snap the wand cleanly in half. The Death Eater lunged at Harry, now that his anger seemed to finally override his fear. Harry rolled out of the way, jumped up spinning around, and stabbed the Death Eater straight in the heart with the two halves of his own broken wand.

A bludgeoning curse slammed into the back of Harry's shoulder. Harry thought briefly about what these men would do to the Lovegoods, and let loose a _Reducto_ spell in the direction the bludgeoning curse came from. Several trees were uprooted, while the nearest ones exploded in showers of fast moving splinters. Two more Death Eaters were bleeding profusely and down for the count.

Harry's senses were all on hyper alert, as he listened for any indication on the location of the last two Death Eaters. He located them and quietly snuck up behind them. Apparently they were arguing over whether to get the hell out, or to finish the assignment. Harry ended the discussion by immediately stunning them both.

Luna and her father hurried back and found Harry resting next to a pair of stunned and bound Death Eaters. He was clearly exhausted and said, "Pretty sure it was just these six." Harry pointed towards Nott and Mulciber and said, "Those two are dead." He pointed towards the bleeding ones covered in sawdust and said, "Those two _might_ be dead. And these two," he pointed at the stunned and bound ones next to him. "These two are still arguing over whether to go running back to their half blood bastard of a master, or stay here and finish their assignment."

Lionel took in the situation, and calmly stated, "I'll let you know if they come to a decision. But if you're waiting for my permission, I can take care of this now, so feel free to pass out anytime."

Harry smiled a slightly bloody smile and gave the man a thumbs up from his working arm. "Thanks Lionel. I think I'll take you up on…" And the next sound Harry made was a small thud and some snoring as he smacked face first to the ground.

_**

* * *

**_


	4. Chapter Four

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

**CHAPTER FOUR**

"Wake up, Harry!" Lionel yelled in the young man's ear. Lionel was frustrated to see Harry just mumble something, bat his hand at the annoyance near his ear, and roll over still sleeping soundly.

"Would you like me to try, Daddy?" Luna offered with an innocent smile.

Lionel looked at his daughter, who was holding her sleeping baby self against her shoulder. He wasn't sure he'd be a fan of whatever method of waking up Luna had planned but nodded for her to continue. Luna walked over and handed her sleeping baby self to her father. Lionel took his baby daughter without question and was watching his grown-up daughter carefully. She lifted her shirt and flashed her breasts at the sleeping young man.

Harry shot up wide awake, though he wasn't quite sure what had woken him. He blearily looked around and saw Luna tucking her shirt in, while Lionel was holding baby Luna and nodding his head with a smile. Harry made a couple morning stutters and yawns before getting out an effective. "Good…-_yawn-_… morning." Harry said stretching his arms. "We still got some milk? My mouth is really dry and I'm having a craving." Harry explained while licking his lips.

Luna smiled at Harry and said "I'll go get you a glass from a clear bottle." She turned and went to the kitchen area. Lionel wasn't sure, but he thought his daughter may have been intentionally swaying her hips a bit more than usual.

Lionel turned to Harry and with a frown asked. "How are you doing?"

Harry cracked his neck and knuckles as he was stretching out. "A little sore, but not too bad."

Lionel nodded. "That's good to hear, but that's not what I meant."

Harry noticed it was a nice morning, and things looked pretty normal. "Err, what did you mean then?"

Lionel winced a bit and stated. "In the defense of my family and yourself, you took the lives of some men last night. I'm told you have a habit of blaming yourself excessively, and I wondered if you were going to be needing some time to yourself, some to think about what happened, a shoulder to cry on, or perhaps intensive training in the dark arts as your soul is now corrupted and you're unable to contain your thirst for pain and bloodlust."

Harry smiled mirthfully and waved him off. "Oh pshaw. You don't live my life and last as long as I have by being a crybaby nancy-boy pantywaist who has an emotional breakdown every time an idiot, like those last night, forces you into situations, like those last night."

Lionel's eyebrows rose and his respect for the young man, who the previous evening single-handedly saved all that he held dear to him, grew once again.

Harry saw the surprise on Lionel's face. "Don't worry too much. I hate having to fight them and I hate having to kill them sometimes, but when the alternative would mean them killing you, raping and killing Luna, and capturing me, it's something you kind of have to do."

Lionel nodded his head. "And I'm grateful you did. I just know even being the indirect cause of the taking of another's life can be emotionally trying."

Harry shrugged. "I killed my DADA teacher when I was eleven. That's one of the reasons why Luna never had Professor Quirrell."

Lionel nodded. "I can see why he was replaced after that year. I'm assuming you had a good reason to kill him though? Some kind of him or me battle to the death?"

"Something like that," Harry agreed. "Mainly it was when Voldemort stopped living under the turban and in the back of Quirrell's head. He had been possessed and my mother's blood protection burned his flesh on contact. And then the next year I killed a sort of student from 50 years ago who was coming back to life, right after I killed the giant basilisk. Shame about the basilisk. Impressive creatures even if they are a bit dangerous to humans."

Lionel seemed done being surprised and just nodded as though these things sounded pretty normal. "Killed a _sort of_ student?"

"Maybe it was more like a memory or a ghost than a student. Though with his possession he was more alive than Ginny Weasley was at the time I killed him."

"Ahh, that's right, Luna's first year. She mentioned Ginny was having some difficulties that year getting along with the roosters."

Harry looked at Lionel a bit oddly. "That's one way to put it."

Lionel smiled and patted the sleeping Luna on his shoulder. "Very well then. I can see you won't have any problems dealing with your thirst for pain and bloodlust if you've been an accomplished indirect killer for several years now. You killed four of the attackers and the other two we still have locked up. Would you like to question them with me? Could be fun."

Harry smiled. "Yeah… yeah, I think I would."

Lionel explained what they were going to do, and handed off baby Luna back to grown-up Luna. The two captives had been stripped and all items removed and charms disspelled. A couple of disposable diapers were enlarged and fastened around the two men. They were bound and chained to a couple of chairs.

Luna was carrying baby Luna pacing in the background while Harry and Lionel got comfortable across from the captives. They thought it might be more fun to do them both at the same time. They sent a couple _Ennervate_s to the two Death Eaters and waited while they slowly regained consciousness.

"What's going on? Where am I?" the taller one on the left said.

Lionel turned to Harry. "Isn't it funny, how whenever I do an interrogation, they always think they get to ask questions too?"

Harry shrugged and suggested, "They're Death Eaters. They're not exactly known for their intelligence."

Lionel nodded, "Point taken."

The one on the right looked around. "This isn't the Ministry. Why didn't you turn us in and why are we here?"

Lionel looked at Harry and cheerfully added, "Still with the questions."

The one on the left continued, "And where are the rest of our team?"

"Oh! Oh!" Harry smiled and raised his twitching hand the eager way Hermione did whenever a professor asked a question. "I killed all of them already!"

The two men both paled a bit. The one on the right asked, "Why are we only wearing a diaper?"

Lionel smiled gleefully. "In my experience _questioning_ Death Eaters," Lionel accentuated this with his quote fingers. "I find you all have no control over bowel movements and usually end up messing yourself in fear and pain before I even get halfway done carving my initials into your eyelids with my toenail."

Harry nodded. "The diapers just make things cleaner for both you and us."

One of the Death Eaters just groaned.

Harry made a pained face. "That wasn't meant to be an invitation to relieve yourself right now. Because we can always remove the enlargement charm on the diapers while you're still wearing them. Remember that."

Two simultaneous gulps followed.

"Now then," Lionel said with a smile. "Let's get started, shall we?"

Harry immediately began looking at the one on the left in the eye, "What are your names?"

The man Harry was watching just stared back, saying nothing.

"Oh goodie!" Lionel exclaimed. "They're resisting! My scrotum collection is going to grow!"

The one on the right yelled out, "I'm Wayne, and he's Harrison."

Harrison turned to Wayne and whined, "Shush! They're just trying to scare you!"

Wayne looked at him and with wide eyes answered, "Well, it's working!"

Lionel turned to Harry. "You know if they're going to be difficult, we may have to try making that experimental recipe for instant veritaserum."

Harry shrugged. "It might be worth a shot. We won't have the pinch of aconite we're supposed to, but I think if we use a full bottle of rat poison, it _should_ work the same."

Lionel seemed to be considering it. "I'm still not convinced just one bottle is enough, but let's hope we don't have to make it. Maybe this time these guys will actually have something to live for."

Harry shrugged and looked doubtfully at the two worried faces. "Maybe."

"What do you want to know?" A defeated sounding Wayne asked.

"How'd you know where we were?" Lionel asked.

Harrison was angrily trying to whisper at Wayne not to answer. Wayne wasn't heeding Harrison's advice. "A forest ranger saw and recognized Potter. He passed it along."

"What was your mission?" Harry inquired.

Wayne was about to respond when Harry interrupted. "Not you, Wayne. I'd like to hear what Harrison has to say about this."

Harrison growled in frustration. "The mission was to capture you and leave no one alive behind. Your girlfriend could be killed or captured. We were under the impression it was just the two of you alone."

Lionel shook his head. "So you're not part of a conspiracy to prevent us from locating a Crumple-Horned?"

Harry raised an eyebrow as he looked at Lionel.

Harrison's anger appeared to ebb away as he responded, "Umm… wait. What?"

Lionel was quietly speaking to himself now. "Interesting. We may not have to skin them alive and feed their remains to the thestrals after all. We will need to make sure they don't remember us though." Lionel turned to Harry, "How good are you with memory charms?"

Harry answered honestly. "Never tried one, though I've seen them cast."

Lionel beamed at Harry, "Well, it looks like you have two test subjects to learn and practice on now."

Harry looked at the scared Death Eaters and nodded. "It would be a good skill to have."

Wayne and Harrison looked broken.

They sat in an awkward silence for a couple minutes before Harry wondered aloud, "Shouldn't we ask them some more questions?"

Lionel shook his head. "Be my guest, if you like. But I doubt they know anything useful. They're both obviously flipping newbies, as they were contemplating quitting the mission to go home. Any sort of seasoned veteran at all knows to do that would mean Voldemort would kill you immediately for either cowardice for leaving or for failure on the mission. As such, I doubt these two could even name any Death Eaters that you didn't already know about, and any estimates they made on the strength of Voldemort's forces would probably be incorrect."

Harry conceded every point Lionel brought up. "Alright then Wayne and Harrison. First one of you to tell me something useful gets to be my second memory charm test subject." Harry shrugged. "My first tries on new spells are typically a might bit temperamental. A few minor explosions, a number of liquefactions and the occasional raging inferno, but second tries are usually a lot better."

Wayne and Harrison looked at each other and were scrambling to think of anything. Harrison blurted out, "Severus Snape is a Death Eater."

Lionel rolled his eyes. "Flipping newbies, I told you."

Harry shook his head. "Are you that clueless about the organization you've signed over your death to? Snape is nothing more than Dumbledore's man in Voldemort's group, and Voldiedore's man in Dumblemort's group. He's a useless ferry of misinformation. I doubt even old Snivelly knows which side he is supposed to be loyal to today."

Lionel nodded. "He became a double agent to hide the fact that he couldn't make any friends on either side. It's really rather sad."

Harry nodded solemnly despite the warm fuzzy feeling in his heart.

Lionel mentioned to Harry, "Did you realize you called them Voldiedore and Dumblemort? I kind of like those names. They're catchy."

"Did I?" Harry chuckled. "Well I'm sure you knew I was referring to the annoying controlling old man that has been doing all he can to make my life hell."

Lionel paused. "Umm… you may need to be more specific than that."

Harry nodded. "I meant the one that is the cause of so much of my horrid childhood, the complete lack of safety, security, and happiness in my life. The one who's completely unscrupulous in the way he manipulates people."

"Still not enough," Lionel said with a shake of his head. "Any more clues?"

Harry considered it. "The one that needs to be knocked off his pedestal the most? The one that seems to have it in for me despite half the world thinking I'm the heir to his place in wizarding society?"

"Still sounds like both," Lionel replied. "How about a more specific hint?"

"The one with a sock fetish?"

"Ahh! Voldiedore then!"

Harry shrugged. "Actually Dumblemort has one too."

Wayne and Harrison were only now realizing that not only were they screwed in their current situation, but pretty much in their overall position in life too.

"Cornelius Fudge is a Death Eater!" Wayne yelled out triumphantly.

"Really?" Harry asked with a touch of disbelief.

Wayne nodded a bit hesitantly.

Lionel shook his head. "You're a bad liar. Fudge is a complete idiot and would even manage to bungle up being a Death Eater."

Harrison was thinking deeply. "The Dark Lord is trying to sway the Dementors to his side."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Now that's a huge surprise. We never could have expected that."

Wayne had a moment of dawning realization. "Lucius Malfoy has a cadre of dark artifacts hidden in a chamber under his dining room floor!"

Lionel looked at Harry hopefully. Harry shook his head. "Sorry. I learned that one in my second year from Lucius' very own bowel-movement-gone-bad that he calls Draco."

Harrison looked left and looked right. He leaned forward and whispered, "The Dark Lord split his soul into seven pieces and has hidden them. That's why he's immortal."

Lionel sighed loudly. "Okay, now they're just making stuff up. I think we're done here. Ready to give memory charms a go?"

Harrison pleaded, "No, it's true! I swear! He split his soul and that's how he's immortal!"

Wayne was kicking Harrison, "You have to do better than that!"

Harrison begged Wayne, "But it's _true_!"

Harry stood up in front of Harrison and pointed his wand straight at him. "So do I just point and yell out _Obliviate_ or am I supposed to be concentrating on anything?"

Lionel shrugged. "I've no idea how to do memory charms. It's why I asked you to. Give it a try. See what happens. I mean if you get it wrong, you fry his brain, which sort of solves the problem too."

Harry nodded while Harrison seemed to be shaking and convulsing slightly. Harry was pointing his wand and said "_Obliv_-" before Lionel jerked Harry's wand arm away. Lionel held onto Harry's wand arm and said, "Good lord, man. That was just a scare tactic. You can't just _practice_ obliviation. You'll probably destroy his mind if you don't know what you're doing."

Harrison and Wayne both exhaled loudly and sagged with relief.

"Oops," Harry said with a shrug and innocent smile.

Lionel looked at the two Death Eaters and began laughing. "You two look so relieved. I can't believe you just bought that." Lionel chuckled and turned back to Harry. "Okay, now, come on Harry. For real this time, put lots of power into the memory charm. If you go back too far, no harm done. You mainly don't want to fall short."

Harry smiled and re-aimed his wand. "_Oblivi_-" was out before a surprised Lionel jumped in and stopped him again. "Harry!"

The Death Eaters began laughing and crying at the same time.

"Gotcha again!" Lionel spun around yelling. "Suckers."

Wayne took advantage of his attire and soiled himself.

And so it was, after taking a few tries and getting some tips from Wayne on how to memory charm Harrison that Harry and Lionel finally finished with the Death Eaters. Harry, Luna, Lionel, and Luna were all packed up and on the move to a new forest. Just before leaving they tied the obliviated pair to a tree and sent off a magical flare to attract some help.

The forest ranger was a bit surprised to find a grisly scene with four dead bodies and two grown men in diapers who kept repeating, "I'm a Death Eater who picked on the wrong guy at the wrong time. Will you be my friend?"

* * *

Harry was chuckling weakly while grown-up Luna was smiling mysteriously as she walked carrying her baby self. 

Lionel had the distinct feeling he didn't want to know.

But baby Luna was relentless it seemed. She had her hands clapped together, and her thumbs pushing together. And she was happily and messily sucking not one, but both thumbs at the same time. This wouldn't be particularly noteworthy, if not for the fact that she was bobbing her head up and down and seemed to be making intentionally loud gulping noises while she did it. Every once in a while she would stop and catch her breath and squeal a 'moo' in excitement. Harry's discomfort and grown-up Luna's smile were highly suspect. Yes, Lionel definitely did not want to know.

"Harry?" grown-up Luna asked the young man walking a good ten feet in front of her.

"Yeah?" Harry replied without turning around.

"Have you ever _asked_ Voldemort to stop attacking you?"

Harry stopped where he was and thought about it, while the Lovegoods caught up to him, and then walked on past. "You know, I don't think I ever have." He hurriedly caught back up with them.

Luna nodded. "Well, seeing as he has always been attacking you, maybe you should try. He might think this is still some sort of game you two started when you were a baby, and he is assuming you want to keep playing."

"Never thought about it like that," Harry said curiously. "And you know I always let him formulate his plans and take his time. Maybe I deserve a time out of my own."

Lionel smiled and added, "It certainly doesn't hurt to ask. You never know the things you could do if you just had the courage to ask."

That particular choice of words triggered a memory in Harry's head. He immediately responded with a firm slap on Velma. "Bad girl! Bad."

Luna's pleased growl alerted Lionel to the fact that he was not hallucinating the scene before him. "Mr. Potter!"

Harry paled and eeped. "Sir? Sir, it's not what it looked like. I err… I wasn't just spanking your daughter for pleasure." Harry quickly mumbled out and explained. "I, err, I was punishing…"

Luna was making some hand signals and motions behind her father's back. Baby Luna was smiling and slapping herself on the diaper.

"Umm, that is I saw something, sir. A, umm… a flying squirrel?"

Luna rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Oh! A bug! I saw a bug and I was punishing it!"

Lionel's frown hadn't shifted yet.

Harry chuckled poorly. "Hee-hee. Not punishing, swatting. I saw a bug and I was swatting it. You mentioning things I could do if I had the courage, reminded me… that there was a bug on Vel-… on _Luna_ and I didn't want her to get bitten…" Harry shakily finished, "you know, by the bug."

Lionel looked at Luna, who was smiling and unsubtly rubbing her smacked bottom. "That was horribly unconvincing, Mr. Potter."

Harry bowed his head. "Sorry, sir."

Lionel's face broke into a smile. "But it was entertaining. Just please leave the bugs alone in my presence."

Harry exhaled loudly. "Not a problem, sir. I'm done swatting for a long time."

"Good," Lionel agreed. "Very good. Now, let's get a move on, Harry."

"Yes, sir," Harry said. "Err, I mean Lionel." They continued on walking in relative silence for about fifteen minutes before Harry added, "Hey, did you realize 'Luna' spelled backwards is-"

"Yes!" Lionel interrupted. "We did."

The only sound for the next two hours were baby Luna's occasional gulping and snores as they continued on their journey.

* * *

_Dear Tom,_

_Sorry about the name, it's just for brevity's sake as we don't have that much blood left to write with from your Death Eaters. That and "Self-proclaimed Dork Lard Voldemort" doesn't sound nearly as respectful as 'Tom' does. Though I would have no problems calling you 'Morty' if you'd prefer that. 'Marv' (short for Marvolo) is kind of endearing too. Anyways, it's me: Harry Potter. I'm the kid who reflected that killing curse back at you a decade and a half ago, in case you don't remember me. I've not been keeping up on the news, so I really don't know if I am still your primary unhealthy obsession. That and I always kind of assumed high amounts of Dark Magic would eventually take their toll on long term memory, and I wanted you to know who I was._

_In case you still don't remember me, try this: Last night you sent a half dozen Death Eaters out to capture me and either kill or capture my girlfriend. Now how you knew she was my girlfriend, I don't know as that conversation wasn't even a half hour old. We're still new at this and in the beginning stages of forging a young healthy relationship. I mean I like her a lot, and she likes me, but we haven't had any opportunities to explore our meaning to each other beyond that point yet. You know what it's like. Well, maybe you do._

_Anyways, I'm not too sure you want to hear about my love life, so I'll get to the point of this letter: Please stop attacking. At least please stop attacking me. I could use a break right now. I'm taking a time out in our little game. I realize you pretty much started this game before I was even potty-trained, but I've never let you know that it's not very much fun for me. I know I can't just quit the game, we have to finish it, but I'm just asking for a little me-time. I was thinking you could take the rest of the summer and work out the kinks in all your future plans. Trust me, if they're anything like your previous plans, going through them a few more times would be a real good idea. Lucius giving the diary to one of my friends? Planting a Death Eater at Hogwarts just so he could actually teach decently for a whole year and put the fix on an international highly publicized competition? How on earth did you manage to come up with that one? I mean you had him here and trusted for an entire year. Don't you think there were better purposes the man could have served? Not to mention the way you could have tricked me into just about anything, and you manipulate me into grabbing and breaking a prophecy? Was the destruction of that prophecy that important to you? Often times I cannot even follow your logic. And I'm not so sure it's because you're much smarter than me._

_But you sent Nott leading a couple other familiar faces and some flipping newbies. Tough break on those guys. Wayne and Harrison explained to me that it was Nott, Mulciber, Cavanaugh, and Stokley that I killed. I had to _Obliviate_ Wayne and Harrison and leave them for the authorities to find, but I'm sure you could break them out if you wanted to. They attacked me at a very tense moment and I wasn't particularly gentle in my response. And I don't think you particularly want more dead Death Eaters any more than I want to kill more of them. So let's just take the rest of this summer and you can make sure you have some real knock 'em dead plans for either the school year or somewhere even further down the line. Perhaps you may want to focus on killing the Headmaster. Or maybe some political schemes and usurping Fudge's power will help you. I'm not even sure what your goals are, so I don't know what else, aside from attacking and killing me, are your priorities at the moment. Maybe there's an ancient artifact you could peacefully recover somewhere in Albania. I really don't know._

_Anyways, just think about taking a break from the attacking and instead double and triple checking your future plans. At least until the school year begins._

_Thanks._

_Yours truly,  
Harry Potter_

_P.S. – Did you ever realize how fun it is to say 'Dumblemort and Voldiedore'? I know Dumblemort does comes first but it just sounds better that way. I've also come up with some catchy limericks using those names, but I'm not sure you'd appreciate them._

The Death Eaters certainly found it odd that the Dark Lord was receiving post. None of them could ever remember owls even being capable of finding him, and the snowy white owl dropped off the letter and left so quick, they thought the owl might have apparated. The surprise on their Master's face at receiving the mail quickly receded into an expression none of the Dark Lords' followers had ever seen before. They couldn't tell if he was thinking deeply, about to smile, or perhaps going to be a little upset.

A nervous but slightly dim Inner Circle member, who went by the name of Wormtail, broke the awkward silence. "Good news, Master?"

The Dark Lord turned toward Wormtail. He forcefully but calmly intoned, "Come here, Wormtail."

Wormtail walked happily up to his Master. Shortly before he could ask anything further of his Master, he was bitchslapped hard enough to tear his nose half off. Wormtail began whimpering quietly in extreme pain as he held his nose to his face, deathly afraid of crying too loudly.

The Dark Lord wiped the bits of Wormtail off his hand and asked loudly, "Is there anyone else interested in knowing about my mail?"

They all stayed still and quiet and were quickly categorizing that new face as not 'quiet contemplation,' or even 'a little upset,' but more along the lines of 'Someone's about to die. Try to not be that someone.' Unfortunately, the lone Death Eater graduate of the Hufflepuff house wasn't as understanding of his Master. He decided, he'd speak up, if no one else would. "Sure thing, my Lord. I'd love to hear about your mail."

More than a few Death Eaters groaned and even the Dark Lord seemed to sigh in resignation. "Clark?" The Dark Lord stated more than asked. "Come here, Clark."

Clark apparently recognized what happened last time the Dark Lord said "Come here" like that and let his self preservation instincts kick in. "No thanks, my Lord. I'm good right here." Several other Death Eaters groaned again and even the Dark Lord was shaking his head.

Voldemort pointed his wand and whipped it back silently and Clark came flying out from his place and landed right in front of the Dark Lord. "_Crucio_." Voldemort hissed out as he curled his lips in anger at the man before him. And now all the rest of the Death Eaters could literally see the anger that the Dark Lord had been hiding behind his impassive mask as he fueled his _Cruciatus_ spell to its limits. Clark's screams continued on well after his eyeballs had exploded in small bursts of gory blood. When the man had finally stopped screaming, Voldemort released his spell and took a look at what was left of his Death Eater. The man's body was smouldering and looked thoroughly over-cooked. "You see Bellatrix? This is why I don't like Hufflepuffs not under the _Imperius_."

Bellatrix wisely kept her head down and said nothing.

"Can I assume, there is no one else going to inquire about my mail?"

Two whispered _Avada Kedavra_s took out the crickets that were ruining the complete silence.

"Wonderful," the Dark Lord snarled out sarcastically. "Now, Bellatrix, seeing as it appears that Nott has failed miserably in his mission and gone and gotten himself killed, I want you to take a couple dozen of these other imbeciles, and if you value your life at all, _you will bring me Potter_!"

Bellatrix felt her body tingling happily at her orders and nodded resolutely. "Yes, Master. Do I need to bring him in alive? Or in one piece?"

The Dark Lord looked at her and said, "I will be disappointed if he is not alive, but I will be even more disappointed if he gets away from you. _Again_."

* * *

"You think he's received your letter yet, Harry?" Luna asked. 

Harry shook his head. "Hedwig's a real smart owl, and if any owl could get it to him, she could. But I'd think I'd feel some strong emotions from him when he receives it. He's so touchy and jumps to conclusions, so right now, I'm doubting it."

Luna nodded. "It's possible he's listening to reason."

Harry shrugged. "True, it is. But it's also possible there's a Blibbering Humdinger invisibly trapped on that branch up there." Harry said pointing at a large tree ahead of them.

Lionel nodded. "I was thinking the exact same thing. Luna, want me to give you a boost and check?"

Harry stopped. "Err, I was just making that up. I have no reason to think there's a Blibbering Humdinger up there even if I knew what one was."

Lionel shook his head. "No Harry, I think you may be onto something, and it may need our help."

Luna walked over to Harry and handed him baby Luna. "Okay now, Harry. You hold onto me while Daddy gives me a boost and I'll check the tree."

Harry frowned a bit but took the giggling baby. "Alright."

"And be careful. I seem to be bruising quite easily. I shudder to think what would happen if I were dropped."

Harry smiled. "You worry too much Luna. I'll take good care of you."

Luna frowned a bit and then smiled warmly at Harry.

Lionel was down on one knee with his hands weaved together as he hefted his daughter up to the tree's lowest branch.

Harry was holding up baby Luna in front of him, playing with the young girl. "Oh what's that girl? Do you see something over my shoulder? Are you trying to trick me and get me to turn around? You think just pointing and crying is enough to trick me? Well I'm too clever for that one!"

"_Erumpio_!" an unexpected voice yelled out from the direction baby Luna had been pointing.

"Ahh crap," Harry said as he dove to ground and covered up baby Luna. The spell sailed over him and exploded the tree trunk behind him. Harry watched in horror as the tree grown-up Luna had been climbing came crashing down. Large shards of wood knocked Lionel down, as the tree fell awfully close to him. Several branches had pinned Lionel down, who was groaning in pain. Grown-up Luna lay unconscious on the ground not far from Lionel.

Harry's mood had soured significantly. He quickly hit baby Luna with a silencing charm and sticking charm, and stuck her to his chest underneath his cloak. He stood up, eyes blazing, and saw a whole lot of Death Eaters surrounding them. None of them had made any further movement yet, and being horribly outnumbered just meant Harry could be as mean as he wanted to right now. With an angry hiss several small pink lights flew out of Harry's wand in a spread out wave. Many Death Eaters got up shields in time, and as the spell hit their shields those attempting to block the spell were electrocuted into unconsciousness. The idiots who sat there and got hit with the spell found that it seemed to have no effect on them.

Several flashes of light came flying back at Harry, who just lifted his empty hand and an iridescent shield sprung up absorbing all the curses that came his way.

"Stop!" Bellatrix yelled. "Surrender Potter, and we'll let your girlfrie-… _shit_."

A fifteen foot wide thick yellow wave of magic erupted from Harry as soon as he identified the voice and snarled out "_Diffindo_."

Bellatrix, the two Death Eaters flanking her to her right, and the Death Eaters flanking her to her left all put up shields, only to see the spell pass straight through them as if there weren't even there, before continuing on through their bodies and about fifty yards back into the forest.

The rest of the Death Eaters just watched the bright yellow spell cascade past, fearing its effects. The results appeared erratically as trees that had been hit began to tip over, and crash to the forest floor in random intervals and directions. A couple of the slower Death Eaters were caught by the falling trees and got themselves crushed and trapped. The five immediate people in the path of the spell were standing their unmoving until Bellatrix's top half began sliding off her bottom half and the other four did the same.

Harry was watching Bellatrix closely to make sure she wasn't getting back up. He couldn't stop his smile when he felt certain she wouldn't ever get up again. Unfortunately, the Death Eaters seemed to recover quicker than Harry did and Lucius Malfoy snuck up behind him and cast "_Avada Kedavra_" at his unprotected back. Harry turned around just in time to catch the spell right in his chest.

Lucius already about to begin celebrating his glorious victory saw he had failed to kill the young man. He seemed to think that, the spell had only made him madder. And that was the last thought Lucius ever had as the bright flash of a throatily screamed "_Reducto_!" essentially vaporized his head and continued on to destroy another half dozen Death Eaters behind him, not to mention the landscaping that nearly decimated the thick foliage into a barren field.

"Who's next!" Harry yelled out. "Come on! Who else wants to die today!"

Apparently, none of the remaining conscious Death Eaters liked their odds at the moment as Harry swerved around hearing three or four portkeys activate.

After spinning in a circle twice briskly, Harry decided, they were gone now and his anger and rage turned into extreme panic. He was mumbling, "oh god, oh god, oh god," over and over again.

He yanked his cloak off and unstuck baby Luna from his body, settling her gently on a massive fallen tree trunk. Harry knew that the killing curse had hit her and was sufficiently freaked out. "Don't be dead, don't be dead."

She wasn't moving and she wasn't breathing. Harry remembered his primary school health class and tried mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The slight delirium he was under, also informed him, that if she were a Sleeping Beauty, and he was a Prince Charming then this mouth-to-mouth might wake and heal her up that way too. Harry was extremely gently trying to get her heart pumping using just a couple fingers to apply pressure to her baby chest. After five minutes and no response, the energy from Harry's frantic motions and panic attack had subsided and he was about to give up on her.

It was at this moment, a stray thought crossed Harry's mind. "Wait a minute. Lionel explained to me the timeline cannot be changed and it would fix itself. Baby Luna can't be-" And whatever Harry was going to say out loud to himself, was interrupted by baby Luna's loud crying.

"Oh man, am I glad to hear your grating annoying wails." Harry said as he lifted the crying baby. "Hold on, sweetie. I need to check if you're hurt." Harry carefully undressed the baby, to see if she had any marks, or perhaps a lightning bolt scar. Harry was relieved to find no visible marks at all, only an extremely full diaper. Harry knew Lionel would want to hang on to this one and carefully removed the sagging soggy diaper. He summoned a fresh diaper and some wipes and cleaned her off. "Filled this one to the brim, didn't you?" The baby had stopped crying by now and Harry had the powder out to sprinkle on her little baby body. "Magic is weird, you know that?" Harry said to the now quietly gurgling baby. "I just reminded it that you couldn't be dead, and then _bam_, there you were. You think I could wish Sirius back to life, if I can just get the timeline to fix it? Or maybe my parents?" Harry looked over his left shoulder and then looked over his right shoulder. He closed his eyes and begged and pleaded and coaxed all his magic into turning this into some sort of time paradox. Harry thought he could hear a high-pitched ethereal voice saying 'Harry... Harry...!" Reality came crashing back as the still undiapered baby Luna crapped all over Harry's hand and he realized that it was actually him saying "Harry." Harry just sighed and looked down at the baby. "Alright, I probably deserved that from you." Harry thought that maybe he and Luna were more intertwined than he had ever imagined. And now no one else in the world knew it, but there was a second survivor of the killing curse. He began to think maybe Magic had a bigger role planned out for Luna. A higher purpose than putting a smile on Harry's face. Baby Luna answered her queue right on time again, and rolled off the massive log she had been on, and fell harshly onto her own head. Harry was horrified, though it certainly did put a smile on his face.

Harry had no intentions of saving this bowel movement and _Scourgifi_ed the area clean. He picked up the now giggling baby Luna, and carried her over as he hurried towards Lionel and grown-up Luna. Grown-up Luna needed only to be _Ennervate_d, though she was extremely woozy. Harry handed off baby Luna to grown-up Luna, and hurriedly cleared the debris off of Lionel. An _Ennervate_ on him, and he seemed to be doing alright.

Lionel shook the cobwebs from his head. "I'm just taking a guess here, but I'm beginning to think Voldiedore got your letter and chose to ignore your suggestions."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "You know you might be right. I'm pretty sure, the ones who got away would have returned to him by now, and I should be feeling some extreme anger from him. I wonder if distance weakens our link because I've felt nothing."

Lionel frowned. "You let some get away?"

Harry sighed. "Yeah." He shrugged. "I'm sorry. But I think I may have killed almost twenty this time."

Lionel's frown turned to surprise as he finally took notice of all the carnage around them. He walked over towards Harry and patted him on the top of his head. "That'll do, Harry. That'll do."

Harry smiled at the praise and pointed out, "I try, Lionel. Though seeing as some did get away, we should probably get out of here as soon as possible."

"Good point. I think maybe it's time to try another forest." Lionel dug around his pockets, while Harry and the Lunas gathered up all of their things. Lionel held out the portkey, and the four Snorkack hunters disappeared from the DFA Magical Forest.

_**

* * *

**_


	5. Chapter Five

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

**CHAPTER FIVE**

With the grace and poise of a seasoned veteran of portkey travel, Harry managed to roll with his fall and save his tailbone a bruise. He looked over and saw Lionel, Luna, and Luna all smiling at his typically impressive landing. Harry looked around where they ended up, and it was a clear sunny day, the air was perfect, and thick with magic. This forest was not nearly so dense, and lacked the scary ominous feeling of the DFA Magical Forest.

"Where are we?" Harry asked Lionel.

Lionel was looking all around. "Damned if I know. This was supposed to be a portkey to the Enchanting Forest, but this isn't it. This is definitely a magical forest, but I don't even recognize the trees. And those mushrooms are humongous."

Luna was carrying baby Luna and thought aloud, "Maybe the Snorkacks are trying to bring us to them."

Harry didn't put much faith in that possibility but felt no need to voice this. "Are you guys feeling okay? Should we just set up camp and let you rest?"

Lionel shrugged. "I'm ready to hike for a ways, see what we can find. Luna?"

Luna nodded. "Sounds good to me. I think we should head that way." She finished pointing in the direction of the largest collection of trees.

"Is this a sort of premonition thing?" Harry asked. "Gut telling you something's that way?"

Luna shook her head. "No. I just don't feel like walking towards the sun. It's pretty warm out here."

Harry nodded and realized he had no reason to choose any other direction. "Here," Harry said. "This will help." And he cast a cooling charm around Luna.

Luna shivered at the brisk drop in temperature, and baby Luna took the opportunity to go for the now protruding nipple near her mouth. "Oww!" the unprepared grown-up Luna yelled. "You did that on purpose."

Harry confusedly looked at Lionel and back at Luna. "Yes I did. You'd just complained about the heat, and me casting a cooling charm in your direction would be a pretty amazing coincidence if I hadn't done it on purpose."

Luna nodded as she lifted a nipple flap on her shirt. "True."

"That shirt is incredible." Harry commented still in awe at the myriad of ways people can make boobs more accessible.

Lionel frowned. "Stop your drooling, young man."

Harry snapped out of his stupor and shook his head. "Sorry." Harry shyly mumbled. "It's just… not something I'm used to."

Luna smiled while baby Luna drank greedily. "That's okay Harry. I find it flattering that my milky white heaving breasts can give you a boner so quickly."

Harry vehemently denied any such accusations, but wanted no part of a discussion, with her father present, that was teetering on the edge of dirty talk for Harry. Harry weakly suggested, "Why don't I lead for a bit, and you two can take it up the rear?"

"Excuse me?" Lionel asked with a raised eyebrow, while at the same time Luna responded, "Okay."

Harry looked away. "I just thought, sir, it would be less distracting for you and me, if I were to be facing forward away from any alleged heaving while you two followed my behind."

"Sounds good to me," Luna replied, while her father frowned again. Lionel ordered, "You lead, we'll follow. And no more ass discussion."

"Oh poo," Luna pouted.

"Honey," Lionel warned. "What did I just say?"

Luna frowned, before quietly ending "…crap."

Lionel looked at his daughter and her baby self and narrowed his eyes a bit. Grown-up Luna smiled happily back at him.

The slightly grumpy quartet continued walking, occasionally remembering the large Death Eater force that had been slaughtered earlier, but mainly observing this strangely familiar forest. Everything seemed so exact, and crisp it had to be the magic.

Within twenty minutes baby Luna was sleeping peacefully and grown-up Luna's breast flap was snapped shut. Harry was dearly tempted to ask if they made underwear with snap flaps like those, but was unsure how that question would be received.

Shortly thereafter, with no warning from any of Harry's senses, a very high-pitched voice called out, "Halt!"

They all stopped and looked around for the source of the voice. They could see nobody. Lionel asked, "Is someone there?"

And from behind a bush, out came what was unmistakably an elf like they'd never seen before. "My name is Legolas. Now what are you doing in the Enchanted Forest?"

* * *

Voldemort heard the accounts from the four survivors of the last attack on Potter. What they told him was not good news. Normally, he would be furious with rage and cursing anyone and everyone for any reason he could find. But at the moment, he was calm, collected, and considering the next step. Like any good commander, he swiftly and emotionlessly killed the only survivors. Their story was not one he particularly wanted repeated. 

"Severus!" the Dark Lord called out. "Did I ever tell you, you're my number one guy?"

Severus face stayed blank. "Lucius and Bellatrix got killed?"

Voldemort grinned sheepishly. "Certainly looks that way."

Severus shrugged. "Shame."

Voldemort agreed. "Pity."

"Terrible tragedy."

"Enh… I won't miss them any."

Severus smiled a little. "Who would?"

Voldemort shook his head at his Potions Master's indifference. He reached and out grabbed Snape's arm and fed his magic into Snape's Dark Mark sending out the call for an immediate meeting. If you don't mind the other man's screaming, this was an extremely useful and effective piece of magic.

As soon as everyone who was coming had appeared, Voldemort stood up. "My loyal Death Eaters, disloyal spies in the Death Eaters, and all the rest of you namby-pambies who are just here because you're scared, thank you for coming. There are factors beyond our control changing and we are going to change with them. I trust most of you know the first attack on Potter led by Nott, failed miserably. After this attack, I received a communiqué from my new War Advisor. He indicated that I should not pursue a further attack on Potter this summer and presented me with some legitimate arguments why not to. I ignored his advice and now the second attack has failed miserably as well. I'm sorry to say everyone on that mission individually failed miserably by letting themselves get killed."

More than a few gasps were heard as it became apparent that all the people missing from this meeting were dead, including Bellatrix and Lucius.

"It was a mistake ignoring good advice, and it is not one I will make again. Until at least September all attacks and hostile missions are suspended. Until then, you are to review all your plans and missions and identify ways they could fail. The security around Potter becomes wasteful when we don't attack him. It will be the last thing they suspect. A complete ceasefire will just leave them all on edge, and the anxiety of not knowing when the next attack will come will further our cause just as much as actually attacking would. But without any risk to us."

Voldemort paused and surveyed all those present. "I will no longer tolerate failure. And by this autumn, the wizarding world will either have relaxed so much as to make attacking that much easier, or they will be so on edge that they will be incapable of confronting their fears or fighting back." Voldemort was punctuating his statements with lots of fist clenching and hissing of words.

"Prove yourselves worthy of being Death Eaters, and stop all attacks!" Voldemort finished and thrust his hands in the air in victory.

The crowd of marked followers all threw their hands up and cheered though they occasionally looked at each other wondering why they were cheering or when they should stop.

* * *

Severus stood when Albus asked him for his report. He sneered at all the pitying looks he always received. "I have some very distressing news." Snape paused just to be an asshole. "It appears the Dark Lord has a new War Advisor. No one knows who it is. Other than it is some exceptionally well informed Slytherin mastermind." 

Albus frowned. "He's taking advice from outside council? Who could it be?"

Severus frowned and explained. "The Dark Lord has long been unreachable through magical methods of communication. I doubt anyone here could locate or communicate with him, but this person did. And it was a standard post owl that merely delivered a letter. The letter was warning him not to attack Potter _again_."

"What? Harry's in trouble?" Molly Weasley exploded.

"What do you mean 'again'?" asked Tonks.

"That's just it. No one else other than those involved even knew of the first attack." Severus snarled.

Albus was shaking his head. "I knew leaving the blood protection was a bad idea. Well, obviously Mr. Potter survived if there was a warning not to attack again. What happened in each of these attacks?"

Severus winced. "In the first attack, Nott and Mulciber were leading four younger Death Eaters. Exactly what happened, no one is sure. All six are now dead, and from what I'm told Nott's nose was smashed up into his brain and Mulciber was stabbed through the heart with the snapped pieces of his own wand. Disregarding the advice he received, the Dark Lord ordered a second attack and sent off Bellatrix and Lucius with another twenty-three Death Eaters." Severus paused again, just to remind everyone he wasn't worthy of their respect. "It is my belief that they are all dead as well. I'm almost completely certain Bellatrix and Lucius are both dead."

"What!" Remus exclaimed, half excited to hear Bellatrix is dead, and half angry that he didn't get to help.

"Who could be so strong?" Minerva inquired.

"Nice work," Moody quietly mumbled.

Albus frowned at Mad-Eye. "Why are so sure they're dead?"

Severus smirked, "Because he called me his _number one _guy."

"What are we dealing with here, Albus?" Arthur asked. "Is this some rogue group shadowing and providing Harry security? Or even just one really strong wizard?"

Albus shook his head and frowned. "I do not know. Severus, is there anything else you know about these attacks? Was Harry involved?"

Severus frowned at the reminder of a Potter. "I sincerely doubt Potter would be able to stand up to a competent Death Eater, let alone over thirty of them."

Moody snorted. "_Right_. Because the Department of Mysteries with a dozen of them, nearly all inner circle, against six school kids was really all the work of Longbottom." Moody chuckled. "Or maybe it was Lovegood. And now on her vacation, she's taken up the habit of slaughtering rabid beasts, particularly those with ugly skull and snake tattoos."

Moody shook his head. "Nah, if Albus didn't have any extra tail or security…" Moody looked towards Albus for confirmation.

Albus was still frowning and shaking his head.

"Then I'd bet galleons to gobstones, that those idiots just pissed off Potter." Mad-Eye chuckled in fond remembrance. "I haven't seen pent up rage like that in a long time. If he found something worth fighting for, I bet he could focus that anger real well."

"You cannot honestly believe Potter is capable of defeating those forces?" Severus incredulously snapped back.

"You saw how pissed he was at Albus." Moody reminded.

"I remember a childish tantrum or two." Severus corrected.

"He was glowing and floating and sounded like an angry vengeful god." Kingsley pointed out.

Remus smiled. "I seem to recall Severus, that you were extremely eager to leave that evening."

Severus frowned before sarcastically replying, "Oh yes, I'd rather stick around and talk about the Boy-Who-Lived-For-Attention."

Tonks suggested, "You know someone has already killed thirty some odd Death Eaters from the sound of it. Be a shame if there were more."

Severus just growled.

"Enough!" Albus yelled. "Now is not the time to bicker like children."

Remus bit his tongue wanting to ask when the time to bicker was but couldn't contain his chuckle when he heard Severus muttering to himself. "I'm not a child. You're a child, you big baby. Biggest baby I've ever met, you big baby."

Mad-Eye asked Kingsley, "You were there the night Potter left his relatives. You think it's possible he's just defended himself from these attacks?"

Kingsley thought about it and replied, "Were it anyone else short of Albus, I'd say no immediately. And his attitude when I saw him last, leaves me doubtful. But given the nature of his expedition, I'd say it's highly likely he found something worth fighting for and we shouldn't rule it out as a possibility."

"What do you mean 'found something worth fighting for'? Why would he need to find something?" Molly asked.

Tonks explained, "Harry was upset, frustrated, and seems to deal with his grief by channeling it into anger. Mainly at Albus, the last I saw."

Kingsley elaborated, "He had a pretty dismal outlook on his life. And I suspect on this trip he's discovered something important to him."

"What's that?" Arthur asked

Kingsley chuckled. "Well she's blonde, about 5'3", and sprouted a watermelon patch in her third or fourth year from what I'm told."

"What?" Molly shrieked.

Remus smiled and explained in layman's terms, "She turned a couple of molehills into mountains."

"Huh?" Arthur asked.

"A Double-D doesn't always mean _Doubly Dreadful_." Kingsley stated with a smile.

"What on earth are you talking about?" Minerva asked.

Tonks shrugged. "Luna McJigglies Lovegood. And often."

Molly and Minerva both gasped, though Arthur was giving a thoughtful nod.

"Lovegood!" Snape exclaimed.

"And plenty." The muggle-informed Remus replied.

"Lovegood!" Amos Diggory yelled.

"Evil bad." Kingsley snickered.

"Lovegood?" Minerva asked.

"It's alright." Moody sniffed. "Certainly not great."

Tonks was waiting patiently for someone else to exclaim Luna's surname. "Come on! No one else? But it's my turn." She whined. "I got some zingers here. Work with me people!"

After a long pause that just frustrated the anxious pink-haired auror, Dung exasperatedly said, "Tonks."

"But no Tonks," Remus interrupted with a smile. "We've had enough, Tonk you very much."

That one seemed over the line and got nearly an entire room full of groans. Moody briefly entertained the idea of beaning Remus with his magical eye. All except for Albus who couldn't keep his face from twitching in restrained laughter.

"As enjoyable as this is, we need to discuss what can be done to protect and prevent any further attacks." Albus stated as he steered the Order meeting back on track.

"Actually, that may not be necessary." Severus interrupted with a smirk. "The Dark Lord's War Advisor has convinced him to halt all further attacks until at least September. Apparently he wants all plans and missions double and triple checked now."

"He's… taking off the rest of summer… from… his reign of terror?" Albus inquired.

Moody grumbled. "Lazy Dark Lords these days. Taking a vacation."

Severus shrugged a bit. "That's what he called a mass meeting to announce. He felt you would be confused and unprepared to deal with… having nothing to deal with. Merlin, that plan is so stupid on the surface, that it's brilliant. That Advisor is a genius."

"Yes, it is worrisome," Albus replied. "Before we could always count on a certain need for showmanship from Voldemort. He had a behavioral pattern that could be roughly predicted and planned for. But coupling a strategic mastermind with Voldemort's sheer power and flair for dramatics does not bode well for us at all. We must determine a course of action and prepare!"

The majority of the Order watched Albus numbly, exchanging a few uncertain looks.

"Umm, Albus?" Kingsley asked. "Didn't we just discover that thirty-one of the Dark Lord's followers, including many of his key ones have all been eliminated? As well as received a reprieve and free pass for the rest of summer?"

"Oh… right." The Headmaster weakly agreed. "Well, if Voldemort gets a vacation, I suppose we should to. Meeting dismissed! And next weeks' meeting will not be mandatory unless something changes. So until next time, remember: Evil bad, love good. And plenty. And often."

"And hard and fast." Tonks added.

Albus nodded. "Yes, of course. Tonk you, Nymphadora."

* * *

"Enchanted Forest! Of course." Lionel exclaimed. "I thought it was a portkey to the Enchant_ing_ Forest. How silly of me." 

Harry just stared with a smile and was holding back a chuckle.

Luna saw Harry wasn't going to respond to the question and stated, "Hello Legolas. I'm Luna. Forgive me if I sound rude, but what sort of elf are you?"

Legolas straightened himself to stand prouder and taller. He forcefully intoned in a very high-pitched squeak, "I'm a high elf."

And it was like a dam burst as Harry just began laughing out loud, unable to contain himself, despite being aware he could be offending the 'high' elf.

Legolas smiled seeing someone else happy enough to laugh and squeaked out, "We are a race of peaceful elves who haven't been seen by most wizards or witches in centuries."

Harry just giggled more. He was mumbling, "Maybe they just weren't looking down."

Lionel smiled at the diminutive 'high' elf. "Hello Legolas, I'm Lionel. Now I've met a house elf before, but you certainly look different from them. So how does an elf become _high_?"

Harry was snickering into his hand trying to compose himself. "My money's on the massive mushrooms."

"Oh, heavens no!" Legolas eeped in a voice nearly as deep as Flitwick's. "These _toadstools_ are our homes."

"You live in a toad _stool_?" Luna asked. "Doesn't that smell?"

Legolas shrugged and smiled. "Only like what you'd expect it to."

"What do I expect it to smell like?" Luna asked.

Legolas had no idea how to answer that question and was saved by Lionel explaining, "Like a mushroom, sweetie."

"Eww!" Luna yelped. "That's worse than I was imagining."

Legolas shrugged and nodded happily. "I must be used to it, because it smells like home to me."

Harry was still smiling and quietly chuckling at the little high elf.

"As for house elves, well, they are to us, as Giants are to you," the small giddy feller explained.

Harry frowned, thinking about the stereotypical impression of Giants. "Hello Legolas. I'm Harry. But I'm not sure I like your comparison, as I have always been impressed with house elves, and there's one in particular I respect highly and would call a friend."

"I think they're pretty great too!" Legolas cheerfully replied. "I was just trying to illustrate that they are more than twice our size."

Harry mumbled again, "And a little less colorful too."

Legolas nodded eagerly. "That's true. We're cheerier, we're elfier, some might even call us festively flamboyant. And, of course, our skin tone has a touch more blue in it."

And there was the crux of the matter. Gleeful, freakishly happy, electric blue, little creatures that were apparently 'high' elves to the 'house' elves two times their size. Further proof that Mother Nature has an absurd sense of humor.

"Hey Luna! Hey Lionel! Hey Harry! You guys want to come see our elf village?" Legolas excitedly asked.

Harry looked at Lionel who looked at Luna, who looked back at Lionel, who looked back at Harry. Harry asked, "Is it just a bunch of giant toad stools?"

"Of course not! They're _high elf_ toadstools." Legolas cheerfully corrected. "I think I confused you earlier if you're thinking I'm a Giant."

Luna, still holding the sleeping baby Luna, as well as Lionel turned to give Harry a look questioning his mental acuity. Or at least his knowledge of Giants.

Harry pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. He blearily said, "Alright, Legolas. We'd love to see your elf village."

Legolas squealed in excitement and clapped his little blue hands. "Follow me!" He began skipping through the forest and chirped a song to skip to. "La lah, la-la-la-la. La, la-la-la-la. La lah, la-la-la-la. La, la-la-la-la, la, la."

Harry groaned as he and the Lovegoods slowly walked to keep up with the tiny skipping blue creature. "I've got a bad feeling about this."

"Would an antacid help?" Luna asked.

"No. But thank you." Harry replied. "I know I'm not exactly a Ravenclaw, but aren't high elves an ancient, noble, extremely powerful, magical race?"

"Yes," Lionel nodded. "I believe they're historically attributed to predate wizards by countless millennia. But I don't recall any… _physical_ descriptions of them."

Luna nodded. "You'd think someone might have mentioned they were blue. Or barely a foot tall."

"Hey," Harry suggested. "You could get some pictures and write a heck of an article."

Lionel paused and considered the idea. "Naw," he said shaking his head. "We'd have a better shot convincing the wizarding world that Muggles made it to the moon. Or we could even use that stock piece where the Boy-Who-Lived denies he's gay. Yeah, like _that_ will help our credibility."

"Oi! I _am_ not gay!" Harry indignantly yelled.

"Oh," Lionel realized forgetting Harry was the Boy-Who-Lived. "Right. And of course yelling it louder will convince those who doubt you."

Harry was grumbling angrily while Luna piped in, "It's true, Daddy. He freaked out when I wanted to wear the penis." Luna nodded thoughtfully and turned to Harry. "You know you might be homophobic."

Harry sighed. "I have no problems with gay people. I just happen to not be one. Same thing with women. No problems with them, but not one of them. If people were claiming I was a female I'd be yelling just as indignantly, insisting that I am not a woman."

Luna backed up her man. "It's true, Daddy. He's not a woman. I've got some pictures from when Harry was soundly sleepi-"

"I believe you, sugar dumpling." Lionel interrupted his daughter and looked at Harry. "Of course, indignantly yelling you're not a woman may be the cause of some of your gayness."

Harry sighed again, knowing he didn't want to know about any pictures of him sleeping or think about his own personal lack of masculinity.

Legolas smiled up at them, and in a high-pitched squeak suggested, "If it helps, I'm extremely gay at the moment, and so is probably everyone in the village."

"Really?" Lionel asked.

Legolas nodded happily. "Oh yes. High elves are usually noted for being super gay, and excitable, and giddy, and about as merry as you get. We're like the kings of gay."

"And queens," Luna added.

"And queens." Legolas giggled and nodded at Luna. "Heavens to Murgatroid, the sun is shining on a beautiful day, and I've met some wizards and a witch for the first time in my life. Who wouldn't be gay!"

Lionel shrugged. "Maybe the Boy-Who-Lived?"

Harry gave Lionel a less than pleased stare.

"What?" Lionel replied to the unspoken glare. "According to sources, he's a bit touchy about the subject."

Their venture through the woods was near its end, as the Lovegoods and Harry all heard happy whistling just over the next rise. And sure enough, there was a relatively clear area with dozens and dozens of gigantic mushrooms. Little blue creatures were whistling as they bustled around back and forth. None of them had spotted their approach yet, and Legolas stuck his thumb and forefinger in his mouth and whistled loudly to attract the village's attention.

All activity stopped as the high elves looked up at the massive newcomers.

An entirely too eager little female elf came bounding up. "Oh my sweetness! You're wizards!"

"Hello," Lionel stated. "I'm Lionel, this is my friend Harry, and my daughter Luna and the baby Luna. How do you do?"

The cheery feminine elf jumped in joy and chirped. "I'm Arwen and I'm in a really gay mood! You can call me Elfette, though. That's what everyone in Elf village calls me. Papa! Papa!" She ran forward and tackled another elf in a hug. "This is Papa Elf, but he's also my daddy."

"How do you do?" the dignified but cheery little blue man stated with a bow. "I am Elrond, or Papa Elf, if you prefer."

"It's a pleasure, Papa Elf." Luna said with a one-handed curtsy and a smile.

The dignity Papa Elf carried with him was lessened as he began bouncing happily a bit. "So what brings wizards into the Enchanted Forest today? I wouldn't have thought it was possible for you to even reach this forest, unless you were the Chosen…" Papa Elf's eyes widened as he took in Harry's appearance. He fell to his little elf knees and began to bow. An adorable little high-pitched whisper carried through the village. "It _is_ you."

Harry grumbled and turned to Lionel and Luna. "I told you I had a bad feeling about this, and see. You see what happened? Fate's taking another crap in my hair."

"The Chosen One from the ancient scriptures," an exceptionally nerdy looking elf stated almost reverently. The rest of the high elves all let out gasps of awe.

Harry just stared at the ground and was kicking the dirt, grumbling to himself.

"Why do you think Harry is the Chosen One? And who are you?" grown-up Luna asked.

The little blue elf with the glasses blushed. "Sorry. My name is Celeborn. But everyone around here just calls me Brainy Elf." The nerdy little feller puffed out his chest with pride. "And we recognized him because the ancient scriptures warned of the coming of the one with 'The Untamable Ratty Nest of Hair'. There was some mention about a scar too but for ages the children hear the legends about _The Untamable Ratty Nest of Hair_ so it's kind of hard to miss."

Harry was trying to smooth down his hair while he was frowning at all the looks people were giving him. "It's not _that_ bad."

"We've long been waiting for the opportunity to help the Chosen One," Papa Elf added. "And if we may be of any assistance you need only ask, Oh Chosen One."

Harry frowned. "My name is Harry. None of this 'Chosen One' stuff please. And I doubt it's me. I'm having a bad hair day. It's just a bit gnarlier out camping and all this sun damage. I haven't conditioned in weeks and… oh who am I kidding."

"The ancient scriptures!" Elfette chirped waving her little blue arms in the air. "If he is the Chosen One, they will have revealed the rest!"

"My wife has the scriptures," Brainy Elf pointed out.

"To Granny Elf's!" Papa Elf cheered, and led a near-violent little Elf stampede towards a toadstool deeper in the forest.

Knowing the difference in the size of the steps they took, Luna, Lionel, and Harry followed at a lackadaisical pace easily keeping up with the rampaging little high elves.

Legolas hung back a bit to speak with the wizards. He voiced a question aloud he'd been meaning to ask. "Harry, I can sense the evil magic in your scar, and it feels slightly old, like it's been there a while. I'm wondering why I sense it weaker but newer on the bab-"

Harry's lackadaisical pace including an accidental kick-out that sent the tiny Legolas flying. "Whoops. I must not have been paying attention there. Sorry Legolas."

Legolas brushed himself off and got back up with a smile. "No apology necessary. It was probably my fault. I mean they don't all call me Clumsy Elf for nothing." He got moving quickly again and caught up to them. "As I was saying, about the bab-"

Harry's leg flung out again in a completely innocent fashion sending Clumsy Elf flying. "Aw crud, I'm sorry Legolas. Looks like you tripped again. You alright there, buddy? Alright, great." Harry didn't wait for any response and quickly turned to the Lovegoods. "So… ancient scriptures, eh? What do you guys think is on them?" Harry asked with a less than sincere smile as he encouraged them to pick up their pace and get going.

Lionel looked at Luna and shrugged. "It could be anything, and I doubt we could even speculate. But I must say I find the high elves willingness to do anything you ask them something useful to have."

"Yeah, lovely," Harry grumbled. "Ten to one odds, those scriptures are going to tell them to kill me and anyone with me."

Lionel nodded with understanding. "Of course. I forgot about that possibility. Well, I guess we'll find out."

They approached the area where Granny elf came out carrying some scrolls that were as big as the high elves themselves were.

"Greetings, Chosen One." The imperious looking older female elf stated. "I am Galadriel, but around here they call me Granny Elf. I have longed for the day to meet and assist you in any way possible." She finished with a bow quite low to the ground.

"Nice to meet you Granny Elf," Harry said warmly. "Please call me Harry. And this is Lionel, Luna, and Luna. Have the scriptures revealed the rest of their message, or perhaps is this a case of mistaken identity?"

Granny Elf shook her head. "Oh we aren't mistaken at all. They have indeed changed. Only not into anything any of us can read, as far as I know. They're in a language I cannot identify, but have clearly changed into a distinct… sort of squiggly mess."

Lionel seemed to be thinking about something while Harry said, "From the sound of it, maybe we're close to being chosen, but just not quite. It's probably someone else."

"No," Granny Elf intoned forcefully with a smile. "It is you."

"Perhaps," Lionel interrupted, "The scriptures can only be read by the Chosen One."

"Of course!" A number of little blue high elves cheered and waved their arms in the air. "Give him the ancient scriptures!" a squeaky voice yelled. A few more echoed the sentiment, "Yes, the scriptures!"

Harry turned to Lionel and frowned. "How the hell am I supposed to be able to read them?"

Lionel smiled and shrugged. "No idea. But if they say to kill us, just… well, I'd lie to them if I were you."

Harry took the offered ancient scroll. He unrolled it a little bit and quickly rolled it back up. "Oh God dammit." Harry showed the top of the scroll to Luna and Lionel and asked if they could understand it. They both shook their heads and reiterated what the high elves said: that it was just a squiggly mess.

"How the hell is that a written language?" An irate Harry yelled.

"You can read it?" Lionel asked.

"It looks like English to me." Harry nodded with a frown. "Except all the letters are made from the bodies of snakes."

"Ancient Parseltongue scriptures!" Luna stated excitedly. "Oooooh!"

Lionel explained. "Parseltongue is a magical language, so there aren't really any rules on it."

The high elves were all kneeling around Harry and the Lovegoods, which was making Harry decidedly uncomfortable.

Luna was getting impatient. "Well, come on. These fine elves have been waiting a long time to know what's on their ancient scriptures. What do they say?"

Harry unrolled it slowly and began reading it aloud, "It says, 'Harry, you need to change…'" At this Harry paused and looked towards Luna and baby Luna. Baby Luna smiled back at Harry, stuck out her tongue, and said "Pbbthpt!"

"…the baby." Harry finished anticlimactically and rolled his eyes. "Gods above, I hate prophecy."

Lionel smiled joyfully. "And no has to be killed. I love happy endings."

Harry just grumbled and handed the ancient scripture back to Granny Elf. "Whoever made these ancient scriptures was not a particularly useful Seer." He took baby Luna from grown-up Luna and knew he would have no choice but to be the one to change her diaper. "I can't believe Fate and Destiny put into motion thousands of years ago, a bloody reminder that it's my bloody turn to change a bloody diaper."

As Harry walked back into a clearing away from the high elves and their homes, he set about changing the freshly filled diaper.

The little high elf voices carried back to Harry as they all began cheering the Chosen One completing his duty. Harry was about to snap back angrily at them when he realized they weren't saying "doody."

Harry and the happily mooing baby Luna came back to the crowd and received a raucous cheer from the high elves. In his absence, apparently it was unanimously decided to throw a party in the Chosen One's honor, including a scrumptious high elf feast.

Just like their bastard cousins, the high elves knew how to make a delicious meal. Naturally, in ridiculously excessive amounts. Granted they were celebrating the Chosen One's appearance after millennia of waiting, so a certain degree of excess is expected.

Everyone was digging into the yummy oddly colored meats and the high elves kept poking fun at Harry and the Lovegoods oversized portions. Lionel asked Papa Elf, "I thought the high elves left the world behind and made their own home in a magical dimension? We're still in Europe, aren't we?"

Papa Elf smiled back and nodded. "Yes, yes, we're in a very well concealed area of Sweden here. I doubt you could find this place, were it not for Fate's call to our Chosen One. But you are correct. We did leave this dimension and escape to our own magical world, but we left ourselves with an easy avenue back into this world. And more often than not, now almost all of us spend our time in this world."

Lionel's ears perked up at this. "Is our world improving? You're becoming more willing to accept the grievous harm wizards and humanity do?"

Papa Elf shook his head vigorously. "No, no. Nothing like that at all. I cannot see that sort of gross behavior ever being excused."

Lionel frowned. "Well then… why are you back so much more often?"

Papa Elf bowed his head in shame. "We are highly magical beings and capable of things wizards could only dream of, but sadly some things are beyond even our control."

Lionel was still puzzled and was waiting for a more thorough explanation when Elfette piped in, "For all the things we can do with magic, we cannot find a way to get cable in our magical dimension."

Lionel raised an eyebrow. "_Cable_?"

Elfette grinned widely. "We're addicted. There's so much good stuff these days."

Luna whispered to her father about some new magical narcotics, one of which must be this 'cable'. Lionel nodded and probed no further into what was obviously a sensitive subject with Papa Elf.

Papa Elf smiled happily and added, "Yes, yes, there is that. But also, the Dark Lord Gargelmort passed away, and without him… well, without him we didn't have so much to do."

"Dark Lord Gargelmort?' Harry asked curiously. "I don't think I've ever heard of him."

Papa Elf nodded. "He wasn't as bad as he sounds. He was a Giant, so his nefarious schemes and plans weren't always particularly well thought out. More often than not, we ended up saving him from a disaster of his own making."

Brainy Elf shrugged. "But it gave us something to do."

Elfette nodded proudly nearly bouncing out of her seat. "And now we have cable to fill that void!"

Harry looked around at all the elves and could just imagine the joy continuous television programming would provide them. An involuntarily shudder rippled through his body.

"So what happened to him?" Luna asked curiously.

Granny Elf smiled and responded, "Well, he just passed away of old age. We found his familiar acting a little lost. He wasn't near as angry or playful as he should have been. It was only then that we discovered the Dark Lord Gargelmort had died a few days earlier."

"A Giant had a familiar?" Harry asked surprised.

"Oh yes," Clumsy Elf responded. "Azrael went everywhere Gargelmort went. Those two went together like peas and carrots! We held a high elf burial ceremony for the Dark Lord Gargelmort, and brought Azrael back into this dimension. I bet he even still lives in a cave deep in the Enchanted Forest."

"What kind of animal would be a familiar to a Giant?" Harry asked.

Papa Elf cheerfully answered, "Azrael? Well, Azrael's a Snorkack."

Harry was not prepared for this and began choking on his food, while Lionel spilled the drink he was holding. Sadly, Luna was the least prepared and accidentally dropped baby Luna. Baby Luna smashed her head on the table and flipped over to land again on her head. She rolled over and just stared up at grown-up Luna looking deeply betrayed.

* * *

_**Author's Note:** Consider this a disclaimer in case anyone seemed to think I may have inadvertently borrowed ideas characters or names from either Tolkien's Lord of the Rings or Hanna-Barbera's The Smurfs. Completely accidental and unintentional. I wouldn't know how anyone would draw those comparisons. But just in case, I'll say that they're not mine.  
_


	6. Chapter Six

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

**CHAPTER SIX**

Grown-up Luna picked up baby Luna and dusted her off. The lack of crying made grown-up Luna worry a little less about her own well-being. Baby Luna just kept staring at grown-up Luna with unforgiving eyes.

"Oh stop looking at me like that." Grown-up Luna yelled at baby Luna. "You won't even remember this in a couple years, and besides, you'll make the same mistake when you're my age."

Harry and Lionel kept catching each other's eye and having to stop themselves from laughing out loud. Finally, they knew they were in good company, and not so worried about baby Luna's tendency to bruise easily.

Papa Elf interrupted and reminded them that they weren't alone. "Is she going to be okay?"

Harry just turned to the man, and in answer to the question, the only word that seemed capable of coming out his mouth was "Snorkack!"

Papa Elf stepped back a bit at Harry's proclamation. "Yes, Azrael is a Snorkack."

Lionel eagerly asked, "Is he a Crumple-Horned?"

"Err…" Papa Elf looked at the other high elves and saw uncertain shrugs. "I have no idea. I don't believe he has any sort of horn."

Clumsy Elf added, "Maybe because it's crumpled?"

Brainy Elf just shrugged and let out a particularly shrill sound.

"Hmm," Lionel was thinking. "How can we determine if Azrael is a Crumple-Horned or just a regular run of the mill Snorkack?"

The high elves, the Lovegoods, and Harry were all thinking deeply pondering the question. The conversation seemed to have halted as they struggled to come up with a solution.

A timid voice from way down the tiny table spoke up, "Err, I couldn't help but overhear."

"Yeah, right." A grumpy sounding high elf bitterly mumbled.

"Oh shush, Grumpy Elf." The timid voice scolded. "Oh sorry, by the way, I'm Nosey Elf and I just thought I'd butt in to your conversation. I was thinking … perhaps… you could ask Azrael if he is a Crumple-Horned?"

Brainy Elf smacked himself on the forehead. "Of course! Why didn't I think of that?" Brainy Elf was shaking his head. "Azrael would probably know the answer to that question."

Harry looked at the high elves oddly. "You mean he can talk… normally enough to engage in conversation?"

Papa Elf nodded slowly. "He had a sort of flu virus a few years ago and sounded particularly nasal then, but he has very little accent. And no noticeable lisp."

Grown-up Luna had backed off her own meal and forced her nipple into her baby self's mouth, just to make her stop staring. These high elves were a bit slower moving than she would have expected and knew they'd need to drag them forcefully to an eventual conclusion. "You'd said you would help the Chosen One. Can you take us to Azrael, the Snorkack?"

Granny Elf looked over at Clumsy Elf and Papa Elf. She nodded wisely. "We cannot take you all the way, but we will lead you as far as we can, and point you in the right direction. But the journey will have to wait until after sunrise. It is too dangerous to venture the forest at night."

Harry shrugged at Lionel who replied, "Alright. Let's go tomorrow then."

* * *

The next morning the Lovegoods and Harry were all packed up, and ready for a long hike. Unfortunately they forgot to factor in the relational differences in distance they would have as compared to the high elves. Clumsy Elf, riding on Harry's shoulder, directed them quietly for about five minutes before announcing, "And this is where we must part ways. I can go no further." 

"What?" Lionel asked looking over his shoulder noticing the Elf village was practically still in sight. "This was the journey that was too difficult to do at night?"

Clumsy Elf nodded cheerfully. "It was dark last night. And at least for me, I trip enough as it is. Anyways, you see that cave halfway up the mountain?"

Harry thought it looked closer to a speed bump than a mountain but nodded.

"That's where we last saw or heard from Azrael. We helped him put up some wards, and he asked us not to bother him. So we haven't spoken to him in a couple of years. I hope he can help you on the rest of your journey." Clumsy Elf jumped down from Harry's shoulder, doing a couple twists and spins in the air before failing to stick his landing and falling on his arse. "Oops. Well, Lionel, Luna, Luna: it has been a pleasure meeting you all. If our paths ever cross again, know that you have friends among the high elves." Clumsy Elf turned to Harry, "Chosen One…" Tears were flowing from the little high elf's eyes. "I love you."

Harry just stood there numbly while the little blue thing clutched his lower right leg. He began a motion to pat the high elf on the head, but kept stopping himself. Once because he swore he heard the high elf call him 'homey'. Finally, Harry just said. "You're a credit to your race, Legolas, Clumsy Elf. I'm sure we'll see each other again."

Clumsy Elf's smile could have brightened even Voldemort's day.

As Harry and the Lovegoods marched onward to their destination leaving the teary-eyed little blue bugger behind, Lionel quietly suggested. "You know Harry, this entire journey is only about a quarter mile. We could easily go back and visit with your people some more."

Harry frowned. "Let's just get going. Those high-pitched voices were giving me a headache."

As they made their way to the entrance to the cave, Lionel yelled, "Hello?" and could hear it echoing on indefinitely.

"Anyone home?" Luna asked loudly.

"Azrael?" Harry asked.

"Echo! Echo… echo…" Luna yelled, trailing off making her own echo.

"We come in peace." Lionel forewarned.

Luna softly added, "Peace… peace…"

Lionel smiled. "Okay, this cave's acoustics are way better than should be possible. Just what sort of wards did the high elves put up?"

"The high elves sent you?" a voice from deeper in the cave asked.

Luna and Lionel looked at Harry apparently, expecting him to lead on this part. "Err, no, not exactly. They just told us where to find Azrael. We wanted to ask him some questions."

After a moment of silence, they heard a slight huff. "Very well. I am Azrael. You may come on back and ask your questions."

They slowly worked their way back through the darkened cave, using their wands for light. The tunnel lit up considerably as they ventured deeper and deeper until they ended up in an oddly normal looking room. Harry saw several musical instruments laying around, ranging from little pan flutes to massive harps, to a complete drum setup. There was an eerie unmoving statue of a nearly five foot tall orange cat.

"Hello?" Lionel asked looking around the seemingly empty room. "Azrael?"

Harry had been examining the lifelike texture of the statue, when it turned to Lionel and replied "Yes?"

Unprepared, Harry yelped like a girl and fell backwards in the cluttered room. He knocked over a bassoon and landed on his rump, with a particularly delicate tuba breaking his fall.

Azrael had already begun to plead, "Don't fall on the tuba!" Before sighing and closing his feline looking eyes. He was shaking his head, "You just had to crumple my horn, didn't you?"

Harry jumped up and was trying to wipe off the tuba, as though it just had a little smudge on it, and hadn't been collapsed. "Sorry, err, it may still be okay." Harry explained as he carefully lay it down.

"Yes, yes, it had been tuned a bit sharp. Maybe now it'll be more flat." Azrael stated.

Harry looked at Azrael and had no idea if he was being mocked or not. "Err… sorry… again."

"Yes, we've established that." Azrael was staring Harry down. "You look… familiar."

Harry just sighed. "I have a bad habit of being the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Azrael looked him over and seemed to agree. "Very well." He looked over at Luna carrying a sleeping Luna and Lionel and asked, "You had some questions for me?"

Lionel replied immediately, "Yes, we do. By the way, my name is Lionel. And we've spent this summer trying to track down a Crumple-Horned Snorkack. The high elves mentioned that you are a Snorkack. Please forgive our ignorance, but are you a Crumple-Horned?"

Azrael raised an eyebrow. "Do I look like a Crumple-Horned?"

Luna shook her head. "Not really. But until we saw you, we had no idea what a Snorkack looked like. And if I didn't know you were a Snorkack, I would have guessed you were a house cat that swallowed a growth potion."

"And possessed a strangely proficient command of the English language," Azrael pointed out.

"Yes, that too." Lionel agreed.

Azrael sighed and settled himself down on the ground near the drum set. "And so it was your greed that drove you to seek out a Crumple-Horned Snorkack?"

Luna frowned. "Greed? I don't think I'd call it greed. We publish a newspaper, and some people have been doubting the truth that Crumple-Horned Snorkacks even exist. We were hoping to document one and provide proof. As well as take a summer vacation."

Azrael looked at Harry, who just shrugged in response. "I just wanted out of my relatives' house before they raped me."

Azrael was beginning to warm up to the incredibly odd tuba flattener. "So none of you even know the secrets of that which you seek?"

Lionel smiled and shook his head. "Nope. The journey is as much the goal as is the destination. But we were still hoping to find one."

Azrael looked at all three of them, and Harry in particular before finally replying. "I am not a Crumple-Horned, but I may be able to help you on your journey. Before I do though, I ask that you help me."

Lionel nodded. "If it is within our power, we would be glad to help you."

"Excellent," Azrael stated. "Because, I've gotten lonely without my old Master around. And I was hoping for some companionship."

Lionel looked at Harry. "You're this trip's bitch. It's your job to pleasure him."

"What!" Harry yelled glancing at the large orange Snorkack.

"Actually," Azrael interrupted with a smile. "That wasn't what I had in mind. I would like you to bring me a fruit from the Tree of Life."

Harry blew out a loud breath. "That sounds much more pleasant."

"Bring me one," Azrael continued. "And I will tell you all I know about my Crumple-Horned brethren."

Harry smiled. "Fair enough. Can you tell us about the Tree of Life?"

Azrael frowned. "What do you mean?"

Harry started counting off on his fingers. "What is it? Where is it? How do we find it? What's its fruit look like? How easily is it identified? Why are you asking us to do this rather than having done it yourself before?"

Azrael chuckled. "If I knew where it was, I would have no need for your help. But I have searched this forest a fair amount, and I know it is here, but I have been unable to locate it."

Luna nodded. "We'll find it."

"Quite the confidence you have," Azrael purred. "As for the Tree of Life, trust me, you'll know it when you see it."

"We'll be back," Luna assured him and led her meekly obedient father and boyfriend out of the cave.

"I take it your 'instincts' know where we're going?" Lionel asked.

Luna shook her head as she shifted the sleeping baby Luna to her other side. "Nope, but I know how to get Harry to know where we're going."

Lionel raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms watching his daughter and Harry.

Luna grabbed a hold of Harry and turned him facing away from her father. She stood on her tippytoes and whispered into his ear.

Lionel just stood there and tried to hear what she was whispering but could only discern the words 'swollen' and 'Velma'.

Harry seemed to be alternating between pale and blushing through some sputters and gulps before pointing off to the northwest. "It's that way." He stated as fact before he began marching intently in said direction through the forest.

Lionel and Luna hurriedly followed him. Lionel asked, "Do I want to know what you whispered to him? Or how he knows where we're going?"

Luna smiled. "Well, hypothetically anyone with a penis and a blood flow problem could determine which way we should be headed. I just know it will be much quicker with me whispering to my boyfriend, an easily aroused hormonal teenager, than if I were whispering to my daddy-"

"You're right," Lionel interrupted before letting that train of thought leave the station. "We'll ride his flesh compass as long as we can."

"Yes, sir!" Luna said with a salute and quickly handed baby Luna to her father.

"Sweetie!" Lionel called out to his grown-up daughter who'd begun to speed up and catch Harry. "I didn't mean that literally."

Luna smiled and gave her daddy a thumbs up. "I'm on it, daddy!"

Lionel was hurriedly keeping up with the two teenagers. Every once in a while Harry would slow down to a mere brisk walk, and he'd see Luna whisper something else to Harry before the pace would pick right back up again. He'd briefly considered trying to listen in, but after hearing 'throbbing', 'polish', 'kick-flip', and 'turgid', he decided he really didn't want to know.

They stopped a few brief times to change baby Luna and get the Lovegoods some food. During these breaks Harry just seemed to hop from one foot to the next in place waiting for them to hurry up.

Three hours of brisk hiking later, Harry stopped suddenly at the top of a rise in the path. When the Lovegoods stopped next to him, they saw it too.

There was no doubting they had found the Tree of Life. It wasn't as tall as most of the other trees around, but this one stood out like a shining beacon in the darkness. It was pure glowing white, and the air around it hummed with magical energy. Harry just sat there with his mouth gaping open, while Luna frowned a bit and angrily wiped some of the drool from his chin.

"It's amazing," Harry stated in reverence.

Lionel just looked on in awe and nodded.

Luna had to admit it was impressive, but she wasn't sure how she felt about her boyfriend's response.

Lionel broke the tense silence and said, "I can see why Azrael wants a fruit."

The fruit of the Tree of Life were no doubt its source of power. Growing in bunches up near the top of the tree, seemingly sprouting from the pods that held them, were naked, unmoving, gorgeous, buxom, blonde women. Some still looked more like inanimate unshaped clay, while others were far more defined and ripe for picking. The women growing from this tree would be considered goddesses by almost any culture.

Lionel turned quickly to his daughter and exclaimed. "This is where the Swedish bikini team comes from! I _knew_ they grew on trees!"

Harry just kept smiling and shaking his head. "Awesome."

Luna huffed.

"Totally awesome."

"Are they alive?" Lionel asked.

Harry had yet to tear his eyes from the tree. "Does it matter?"

Luna huffed again. "Come on, Trip Bitch. Hurry up and pluck us a fruit, so we can get out of here."

Harry snapped his gaze from the tree and looked at Luna. "What's the matter?"

Luna took her baby self back from her father and gave Harry a brief glare before looking away.

"Luna?" Harry asked curiously. "Have I done something wrong?"

Lionel looked over at his daughter and then back to Harry. He was now frowning at Harry.

Luna just said, "Get a damn fruit and let's go."

Harry made the mistake every man makes, and did exactly as she had asked him to. He climbed a good fifteen feet up the tree, balanced himself in between branches, and inquired, "How do I know which one to take?"

Lionel was watching his progress and yelled out, "If the carpet matches the curtains, it's probably ripe for the picking."

Harry just looked at Lionel oddly. "I have absolutely no idea what that means. Will this near one here work?"

Lionel examined the one Harry pointed to and nodded. "She's as developed as any of them."

Harry reached out towards the branch with the fruit he had targeted, and grabbed a hold of its waist. The arms were raised above the head and seemed to be the only piece of fruit still attached. "Oh lord! It feels just like flesh. And she's really warm."

Lionel raised an eyebrow. "Why don't we save the analysis for down here?"

"Alright," Harry agreed, unintentionally ignoring his rapidly angering girlfriend. Harry struggled to pull the fruit clear from the tree. "She's really heavy." Harry rasped out as he slung her body weight over his shoulders.

"Fat ugly cow," Luna translated for her baby self.

Harry was grasping onto the fruit, in a way that would be highly inappropriate for a couple of unfamiliar strangers, and was tugging at it trying to pluck it off the tree. "Stupid thing is stuck."

Lionel saw the way Harry kept fondling and groping the woman, as though she were nothing more than an apple he was trying to twist off a branch. Luna did not seem to appreciate Harry's ministrations.

Harry repositioned the fruit across his front and had a face full of what Lionel would call the carpet. "I really don't think we should be casting magic on the Tree of Life, but this is more difficult than I'd expected." After much struggling, that when viewed from down below even had Lionel blushing and Luna rankling, finally Harry had the bright idea of shaking the branch. "Hey, I think this is working." Harry slung the fruit's legs over each shoulder and rested the weight against his face. He began shaking the branch vigorously. Within ten seconds, the fruit's hands fell free from the branch, and then her upper body lost its support as momentum carried her backward.

A loud _fwump_ was made as the fruit crashed to the ground, headfirst. It seemed no worse for the wear, but had it been a normal person, the fall would have most likely broken the person's neck and back.

"Got it," Harry unnecessarily announced seeing the dropped fruit splayed on the ground.

Harry hurriedly scuttled back down the Tree of Life. "Thank Merlin, that's done. That tree was really beginning to give me a burning sensation that was less than pleasant."

Lionel rolled over the fruit and began dusting her off. "Good lord, she _is_ warm. Though, those nipples look like they could cut glass." Lionel saw his daughter briefly direct her ire his way and quickly finished, "I think this one should work just fine. Why don't we head on back now?"

Harry shook his head. "Not just yet, I need to rest for a moment. Between blood flow issues and all that work, I'm really dizzy and disoriented right now."

Lionel could see he was close to passing out, but wasn't sure he wanted to be on Luna's bad side at the moment.

"Besides," Harry said. "We're at the Tree of Life. I wouldn't mind admiring it for a bit longer."

Lionel just groaned softly knowing Harry's words were not going to have the intended effect.

Luna growled angrily as she rocked baby Luna in an attempt to make her sleep.

Harry had had enough of Luna's angry stares and said, "Alright, Luna. Out with it. Is it something I've done? Or is there something about these fruit that's got you in such a snit?"

Luna stopped and frowned. She insincerely said through clenched teeth and watery eyes, "No… it's nothing _you've_ done."

Harry shook his head, "Then what is your problem with these hairless monkey's growing on the Tree of Life? They're barely a step up from a banana!"

Lionel thought they were far closer to coconuts, but wisely remained silent. He walked over and took baby Luna from grown-up Luna, so that grown-up Luna could freely punch and snap out a castration hex, if she so desired.

Luna let her daddy take the baby and snarled as a couple tears fell, "Then why do you keep having blood flow issues?"

"That's what you're angry about?" A shocked Harry said. "That I find naked women attractive? You know, our relationship would have all sorts of problems if I didn't."

Luna just frowned.

"Luna," Harry said exhaustedly. He paused before continuing, "Yes, of course, I find the female form extremely attractive. You know how much I like your boobs. Is it that distressing to find out I like boobs in general, as opposed to yours exclusively?"

Luna frowned and sighed. "I just don't like seeing you drool over boobs that are better than mine."

It was times like these Lionel really missed his wife, as he had no idea if he should interrupt, run and hide, or just kill the young man who was causing his daughter pain.

Harry furrowed his brow in confusion. "Better than yours? That's what you're worried about?"

"Well, I mean…" Luna had gotten much quieter now having voiced her fears. "You'll be having all sorts of boobs continuously throwing themselves at you. I know you hate your fame, but like it or not, it _will _get you an awful lot of boobs. Some worse than mine, but undoubtedly some a bit better."

Harry smiled and shook his head. "Luna… you know me better than this. Come on, tell me. Who do I like better: Daphne or Velma?"

Luna smiled and weakly answered. "Velma."

"That's right," Harry said with a knowing smile as he inched closer to his girlfriend. "And do you remember why?"

Luna giggled a little as she replied, "Because of her imperfections and individuality."

"Exactly, Luna! I don't want perfect boobs," Harry said honestly with a smile and shake of his head. "I want _your_ boobs."

Luna couldn't stop the smile on her face and her eyes were glistening with a new set of tears now. She threw herself onto her magnificent boyfriend and wrapped her arms and legs around him. She whispered through her tears, "And my boobs want you too."

Harry felt all the parts of Luna he'd been thinking about almost nonstop lately, were thoroughly mashed up against him. They seemed even softer and warmer than the hairless monkey could ever hope to be. Blood flow very quickly became an issue again, and he just quietly replied "Awesome", before the dizziness and exhaustion caught up with him and he fell backwards passed out in a faint.

Lionel was playing with his baby daughter doing his best to ignore the painfully awkward teenage romance going on around him. He turned back towards the young couple when he heard another _fwump_ and his grown-up daughter exclaim loudly, "Oops."

"Killed him, honey?" Lionel asked with a smile.

Luna shook her head. "No, daddy, and I have no plans to. He's better at this stuff than you'd think."

Lionel frowned. "I can imagine, judging from the tent he's currently pitching."

"Oh daddy," Luna smiled and admonished. "That's probably a magical tent. He's much bigger than that."

Lionel forced a smile and said "Thank you, sweetie. Now please wake him with a freezing charm and let's get him some food and water and get a move on. I'd prefer to make it back before dark."

Luna happily turned Harry's crotch frosty and smiled at him as he yelped awake and rubbed some life back into his frigid goodness. She stood up and explained, "You passed out. Get some food and hydrated, and then we have a long hike back to Azrael's."

Harry happily complied and realized how much better he liked Luna's casual indifference as opposed to teary-eyed emotions.

Once Harry was feeling better, he resumed his role of Trip Bitch and picked up the fruit. He bent the hairless monkey at the waist and held on to the backs of her knees, while she hung limply over his shoulders and down his back, with her face softly bumping into Harry's crack while they walked.

They didn't make it back near as quick as their trip to the Tree of Life took, but the sun hadn't set yet when they arrived at Azrael's cave.

"Good lord, you found it!" Azrael exclaimed noticing the wizards returning to his cave with a hairless monkey. "And you haven't even activated the fruit yet! Marvelous."

"Activate?" Harry asked as he carried the limply flopping naked blonde fruit.

"Yes, activate or if you prefer, awoken her consciousness. You didn't think I just wanted a limp fleshy doll, did you?"

Lionel shrugged. "I wouldn't mind one on all of those cold, lonely, winter nights. This one's just a bit heavy to lug around in your pocket."

"You are a curious bunch," Azrael mysteriously said with a shake of his head. "I never would have thought you'd find the Tree of Life, let alone within a matter of hours. But I am a Snorkack of my word, so I will keep my end of the bargain."

Harry posed the fruit to be sitting attentively to his right side, and Luna sat down with baby Luna to his left side. "Let's hear all about Crumple-Horneds."

Azrael began. "The Crumple-Horned Snorkacks are in actuality not even related to common Snorkacks. They were ancient magical djinn spirits that according to legend had no physical form. Until one day they decided they wanted one. They were watching a Snorkack and a War Unicorn in a playful fight, and created their physical form in their image. This is why they were initially thought to be 'horned' Snorkacks."

Harry looked over at Luna and Lionel and saw they were as absorbed into this as Harry was, and he turned and nodded at Azrael to continue.

"Now, these djinn existed for a long time under a variety of names, usually odd variants on War Unicorns and Snorkacks. Until one time, a wizard discovered their secret, and in his notes christened them 'Crumple-Horned Snorkacks'. That is why, when you come around here asking about for 'Crumple-Horneds' it sounds like you're after the djinn's power."

Lionel quickly looked at Harry and Luna before turning to Azrael and shaking his head with his palms out. "No idea."

Azrael nodded. "I know your intentions are not malicious, as you wouldn't have been able to locate the Tree of Life with ill motivations. Now, continuing my tale, I suppose I should ask what do you know of djinns?"

Luna and Lionel shared a glance before shaking their heads in unison. Harry was thinking deeply and just said, "Aren't they like genies or something?"

"Yes," Azrael chuckled. "Genies or something would cover them I suppose. But one of the key aspects you should realize is that they are spirits, not mortal beings."

"They cannot be killed." Lionel said with a gasp.

Azrael nodded. "That's correct. There were five of them that first gained physical form. And it is those five that are still the only 'Crumple-Horned Snorkacks' to ever exist."

Luna frowned. "That would make them pretty hard to find, I would think."

Harry nodded as he chewed his bottom lip thinking. "Yeah, you know it would. And it seems unlikely that a Snorkack from this day and age would know so much about them." He stated with an inquiring look at Azrael.

"Excellent observation, my tuba flattening friend," Azrael said with a grin. "Very few beings know about the djinns because the more that do, the more vulnerable they are. The fact that is has been millennia now without record or knowledge of their existence, allows them to become myth instead of legend. Documented proof or articles about them would be detrimental to their existence."

Harry nodded. "You still haven't mentioned how it is _you_ know so much about them."

"I know about them," Azrael said with a smug grin, "because before I found my Master, I was good friends with a Crumple-Horned named Cosmo."

Luna gasped. "That's my middle name!"

Harry raised a curious eyebrow. "Really?"

Luna blushed. "I didn't mean to tell you that."

Lionel smiled at his daughter. He asked Azrael, "Does this mean you could introduce us?"

Azrael schooled his face blankly. "You still wish to endanger them and document them?"

Lionel shook his head. "Not at all. If everything you say is true, and I have no reason to doubt the veracity of your words, then we will most likely do our part to dismiss them as mythical and never mention them again." Lionel smiled and explained, "But we still are on a journey and would love to meet one."

Azrael smiled. "In that case, I am sorry I cannot introduce you, but I have no wish to leave my home and forest here."

Lionel's face dropped a bit.

"But…" Azrael loudly added and smiled. "I _can_ tell you that despite the fact that it was many years ago that I last saw him, I still have every reason to believe Cosmo continues to live near a cliff in the DFA Magical Forest."

"The DFA?" Harry whined childishly.

"I take it you are familiar with it?" Azrael asked.

Lionel responded, "Yes, that was where we were looking before we stumbled onto the Enchanted Forest."

"Wait," Harry said with an angry gleam in his eye. "War Unicorns can fly, right?"

Luna nodded. "Yup."

Harry looked at Azrael shrewdly and asked, "Does Cosmo enjoy dropping massive piles of crap on people and then chuckling about it?"

Azrael's face was slowly splitting into a wider and wider grin, before he finally just started laughing out loud in Harry's face.

Harry began quietly cursing and damning Fate. He remembered voicing aloud questions about tracking Snorkack droppings, just before a massive unidentifiable pile of crap nearly hit him. Some people might think Fate was trying to do Harry a favor, but Harry really knew she was just being mean.

Lionel and Luna began chuckling a bit too, while Azrael's braying laughter subsided and the Snorkack composed himself. "I'm sorry to say, that yes that does sound exactly like something Cosmo would do, and probably has done countless times before."

Harry continued muttering choice words to himself and had an overwhelming urge to hit something.

Luna could sense the frustration coming from her boyfriend, and she stood up and walked over to where he was pacing. "Don't be so upset, Harry. Think about all the times, since we left Cosmo behind, that you've seen my boobs."

And just like that, Harry's agitation left as quickly as if it had just been a _Finite Incantatem_. Harry was unconsciously purring, lost in his own little world.

Lionel frowned a bit and turned to Azrael. "Thank you for sharing this with us, Azrael. I believe we will head back to the DFA Magical Forest and try to locate Cosmo. If we do, would you like us to pass along a message? I realize you do not wish to leave your home, but perhaps we could inform Cosmo that you might like an old friend to come by for a visit?"

Azrael smiled. "I would appreciate that. Before you came along I hadn't even considered that any of my friends and acquaintances from before I found my Master might still be around." Azrael shook his head. "You'd think the immortal ones would kind of stick in your head."

Lionel had to agree with that, immediately thinking of his old friend Bob.

"Before you take your leave," Azrael spoke to everyone. "Would you like to meet my new companion?"

Harry nodded. "I'm curious as to how you activate her consciousness."

Luna frowned at Harry. "You should know this. You had Care of Magical Creatures with Professor Hagrid."

Harry shook his head vigorously with a deadly serious look on his face. "I think I would have remembered this particular lesson."

Luna had thought this was the most obvious thing in the world. "Your first lesson with Professor Hagrid?" Luna puffed herself up and said it an oddly dead-on Hagrid impression, "Yeh've got ter _stroke_ teh spine."

Harry just took a step back hearing Hagrid's voice coming from his girlfriend's taut little body.

Azrael took this opportunity to tilt his fruit forward, and stroke all the way down her spine.

Any further discussions immediately ended and they all watched the naked blonde woman shake her head and begin to take in her surroundings. She smiled at everyone watching her intently. "Hello."

"Greetings," Azrael purred.

"Hello," Lionel said.

"Hi," Luna cheerfully replied.

"Hello," Harry tried to say causally, but unfortunately his voice cracked horribly and it ended up sounding closer to "hay-lull."

"What can I do for you?" She asked.

Lionel could only be completely impressed by the fruit of the Tree of Life.

Harry was beginning to think he had found the perfect solution to all future house work, and it wouldn't involve Hermione throwing another SPEW hissy fit. Those classified ads for topless maids were beginning to make a lot more sense too.

Luna sighed and smiled as she whacked her boyrfriend on the back of his head for whatever was running through his mind. With a hot naked blonde asking what she can do, Luna couldn't find it in her heart to blame him.

Harry smiled sheepishly and turned to Luna. "Thanks."

Luna nodded. "Anytime."

Azrael was watching his new companion carefully. "You, my dear, need a name."

The woman smiled and rubbed her hands together. "Oooo! Are you going to give me one?"

Azrael nodded. "You know, that reminds me, other than Lionel, I do not even know the rest of your names, my friends."

Harry smiled. "Sorry bout that. I'm Harry."

Luna smiled brightly too. "And I'm Luna."

Azrael repeated his newfound friends' names and asked, "And the baby?"

Luna explained, "Oh this is me too. Luna."

Azrael looked at the baby and the one holding her and only now noticed the similarities seemed even more pronounced than in most mother-daughter's and found no reason to doubt this. He just nodded, "Right."

Azrael turned to his hot naked companion and said, "In that case, my dear, your name shall be Harry."

Harry just closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Harry," the fruit repeated. "What a pretty, delicate name. Thank you."

Lionel had the overwhelming urge to laugh and point at the young Mr. Potter, but instead just smiled and nodded.

"Well, Azrael," Harry loudly said with a grimace. "It's been quite memorable meeting you, but I think we should be going."

Azrael smiled back. "It has been a pleasure, my friends. Lionel, Luna, Luna, Harry: you are always welcome here and I wish you the best of luck on the rest of your journey."

The female fruit freshly named Harry, got up and gave everyone firm hugs goodbye with tears in her eyes. "I'm going to miss you guys," she said.

Harry was a bit worried about his reaction to having a really hot naked woman squeezing him in front of his girlfriend and gave her a firm pat on the back and retreated quickly.

As they were leaving the cave, Azrael gave them a vote of confidence and added, "When you see Cosmo, please do pass along my greetings."

The group agreed while Lionel dug out the first portkey they had used. They all positioned themselves around it, and disappeared from the Enchanted Forest just as they heard the naked female Harry ask, "Azrael, do you know why my upper lip smells like ass?"

* * *

It had been three weeks now that they just wandered aimlessly through the DFA Magical Forest. Considering the brutal slaughtering of Death Eaters that they overheard the Magical Forest Ranger's discussing when they arrived, they knew they should stay out of sight. 

The first few days they had several problems, where they kept looking up, trying to spot the Crumple-Horned Snorkack, and they would slam into a tree, neglecting to watch where they were going. Harry was still getting thwacked by the occasional tree when he'd get dialed in on something with his eyes. Harry, quite proud of his skills as a seeker, felt it was up to him to spot Cosmo.

It was the day before they were going to head back to Ottery St. Catchpole and the Lovegood's home. They were beginning to get desperate. No longer caring about the other beasts or Rangers locating them, they had been yelling out "Cosmo?" among other things.

When, from nowhere they could identify, they heard a regal voice answer back, "Where did you hear that name?"

Harry jumped at the chance. "Cosmo? Is that you? Azrael told us. Azrael, the Snorkack."

Shimmering into view from up at the treetops came one of the most curious looking things they had ever seen. It had a shiny black coat that reflected the light, rear haunches like a horse and a front similar to Azrael. Massive black wings and a stubby looking horn.

The Lovegoods and Harry were all speechless upon seeing it fly down and land near them. He smiled, "I am Cosmo. Tell me, how is Azrael doing?"

This snapped them out of their daze. Harry replied, "He seemed to be doing pretty well, though a bit lonely since his Master died. We'd just left him with a fruit from the Tree of Life, so that should give him someone to talk with."

"The Tree of Life?" Cosmo said with a grin. "Yes, I'm sure talking is what that fruit is usually for."

Lionel shrugged. "Unless there's an opening on the bikini team…"

Harry was struggling not to do the math and reply with a particularly crude sarcastic response.

Cosmo noticed Harry's inner battle and answered, "Can't say I'd know that one. So what exactly are you doing, running around this forest looking for little old me?"

Luna smiled. "We decided to spend our summer vacation trying to locate a Crumple-Horned Snorkack. We'd even looked in this forest but had no idea what we were looking for."

Cosmo smiled. "I remember you." He turned to Harry and playfully frowned, "Your reflexes were better than I was hoping."

Harry just frowned back before adopting an indifferent face and shrugged. "Sorry?"

Cosmo chuckled, "I hardly think an apology is necessary, but an introduction would be appreciated."

"Oh right," Harry said and waved at him. "I'm Harry."

"I am Luna," Luna added with a smile before clarifying. "Harry's girlfriend."

Lionel hid his smile at the pride Luna showed when saying that. He introduced himself, "And I am Lionel, Luna's father."

"Nice to meet you, Harry, Luna, Lionel." Cosmo replied, before carefully wording his next question. "So did Azrael tell you much about Crumple-Horned Snorkacks?"

Luna nodded. "A fair amount. Enough so that, if it is your wish to stay hidden, then we won't be writing the article about them we had been planning."

Cosmo seemed to relax and nodded at Luna. "I would appreciate that."

Lionel continued, "If you're not opposed to quelling our personal curiosity we still have a number of questions though?"

Cosmo glanced at all three of them, unconsciously weighing their integrity. After a tense silence he continued, "Did Azrael tell you the origins of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks?"

Harry answered. "He told us there were 5 immortal djinn spirits that became the physical creatures known as Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. Beyond that he alluded to some djinn power that people in the past have either misused or abused. He was wary of us because we called them 'Crumple-Horned' but he seemed appeased by our success with the Tree of Life." Harry turned to Luna, "Am I missing anything?"

Luna shook her head, "Only that his friend Cosmo was one."

Harry nodded. "Yeah. That too."

Cosmo nodded. "Am I to assume you wish to know more about our power and how wizards have abused us in the past?"

"No need to assume," Lionel explained. "That is what has piqued our curiosity the most. Your secrets are yours to divulge or not. We're just kindly asking."

Cosmo smiled. "If you will give me your word not to share my secrets, I will tell you what you wish to know."

Harry, Luna, and Lionel all immediately assured Cosmo that they wouldn't tell a soul.

"I suppose you must first understand that djinns' purpose is to try and balance existence in a semblance of harmony. There is a multitude of spirits. Some create, some destroy, some bring bad luck, some bring good luck. Djinn in particular are capable of granting a wish or desire to anyone whose life has had enough pain or misfortune in it. One of my sisters helped out a wizard once, who shared his experience with a man possessing a twisted soul. He wanted to take advantage of the djinn and murdered every member of his family and burnt down his own home. Despite being the cause of his own 'misfortune', he still fit the rules and the djinn he found was unable to deny his wish for riches, women, and some of his family to return to life even."

Lionel, Luna, and Harry were not expecting this and the surprise showed on their face. Lionel asked, "You are capable of granting anything? Even bringing the dead back to life?"

Cosmo nodded solemnly. "Occasionally there are stipulations, but for the most part, yes, anything. And it was this twisted soul that called the djinn in physical form a Crumple-Horned Snorkack. He wrote about how anyone willing to sacrifice and kill their remaining immediate family, children, parents, brothers, sisters, and spouses would receive anything they desired. It was the accuracy of what he claimed that made it so difficult."

Lionel and Luna both were staring at Harry.

Harry was just processing what Cosmo was explaining, and noticed the looks Luna and Lionel were giving him. He did a double-take and blurted out, "Wait a second! Are you saying I could get a wish?"

Cosmo's face looked a bit shocked. "Err, I take it I was incorrect in assuming that is your baby daughter your girlfriend is holding? Do you not intend to care for her as such?"

Harry shook his head. "We've not even been dating for two months. And that's not Luna's daughter. That's just another Luna."

Luna nodded and was playing with the quietly mooing baby Luna.

Cosmo looked a bit tired. "If you have no immediate family, and have had a particularly difficult life, then yes. I am yours to command."

Harry shrugged. "I didn't come to you asking for anything. And I do have an aunt from my mother's side but she really hates me. I think she was going to rape me earlier this summer. I am an only child. My parents died when I was one and got this." Harry said as he lifted his bangs to show his scar.

Cosmo gasped at the sight of the scar. "You've been marked by Fate." He stepped closer to Harry and scrutinized the infamous lightning bolt. He began chuckling, "Oh dear."

Harry just dropped his head, knowing something he wouldn't want to hear was coming.

"I'd thought you were marked as a Child of Fate. But you're not." Cosmo said through snickers.

Harry's face brightened and he smiled at Cosmo.

"You're Fate's Bitch." Cosmo explained as he began laughing.

Harry just narrowed his eyes and sighed. "I think I'm everyone's bitch."

Luna smiled brightly, "Well, you're definitely my bitch."

Harry smiled a little and nodded to that.

"I'm sorry for laughing at you," Cosmo explained though he was still obviously enjoying himself. "But I do know, that I am supposed to grant you a wish now. Anything you want…" he trailed off seeing Harry just stare blankly at him. "I could make Luna love you?"

Harry shook his head. "I want to earn that one."

Judging by the look Luna gave him, that comment helped his case a fair amount.

"I could make your girlfriend's breasts bigge-" Cosmo stopped noticing Luna's ample bosom. "Oh goodness. Let me rephrase that: I could make your girlfriend's breasts smaller?"

"Don't you dare!" Harry yelled shaking his finger vigorously at the immortal djinn.

Lionel ended his quiet contemplation and interrupted, "Perhaps you can offer some suggestions that won't make the father here uncomfortable?"

Cosmo had forgotten Lionel was there in his amusement at discovering Fate's Bitch. "My apologies, I was just offering suggestions to your daughter's bitch."

Harry looked over at Luna and knew he didn't want to change anything about her. His entire mind came to a screeching halt when Luna just quietly said one thing to him. "Sirius."

It was at this moment Harry realized just how powerful this 'wish' really was. He could bring back Sirius. He could bring back his parents. Or even Cedric. He certainly got cheated out of his life. These three possibilities just kept running through his mind back and forth. He desperately wanted all of them, but he couldn't decide what he should wish for.

Lionel, Luna, and Cosmo were all watching Harry. They could tell he was really taking to heart the importance of this.

Harry had no idea how long he just stood there stupidly trying to weigh pros and cons by placing worth on life and death, as well as try to determine what _he_ wanted. The silence in his mind was broken by baby Luna crying for attention, and just like that Harry realized exactly what he _had_ to wish for.

Harry looked at Cosmo and smiled. "For my wish, I would like you to send the baby Luna back in time into her mother's arms, where she belongs."

Cosmo's eyes widened significantly. Of all the things he was imagining, this was not particularly high on the list. "Very well." He turned to Luna who kissed her baby self on the forehead and allowed Lionel to do the same. Cosmo carefully floated the crying baby right in front of him. "Don't cry, Luna. You'll be home real soon." Cosmo bent his head forward and was attempting to tap the baby on her head with his stubby horn. Unsurprisingly his aim was off, and the levitation spell failed as the baby fell to the ground, landing on her head.

"Shit." Cosmo said. "Sorry about that. No harm done." He laughed weakly and levitated baby Luna back up in front of him. Strangely enough, she had completely stopped crying now and was giving Cosmo a dirty look. "Let's try that again." This time Cosmo's horn connected with the angry, staring baby, and she disappeared in a soft flash of white light.

Cosmo smiled at Harry. "Done. She's there."

Lionel just shook his head and said, "Harry, Harry, Harry. I should have known you'd do something stupid."

Harry was expecting a bit of thanks, so in the face of this scolding he intelligently responded, "Huh?"

"The timeline would have to eventually find a way to fix itself," Lionel explained. "You just wasted your wish."

Harry shook his head. "No. This is what felt right. This is _the_ reason she even made it back."

Lionel sighed and added, "You could have wished Voldemort away."

Harry blanched. "Crap. I didn't even think about that."

Lionel continued, "Or to have the power to manipulate time yourself, if you wanted to help my daughter."

Cosmo shrugged. "Most people wish for more wishes to start with."

"You can do that?" Harry yelled in frustration.

Cosmo nodded. "Of course. Why wouldn't you be able to?"

Harry began just grumbling and muttering to himself. "Flipping stupid Fate."

Luna came over to calm him again and kissed Harry on the cheek. "I thought it was very sweet."

Harry smiled weakly at his girlfriend. "We convince Tom to stop attacking me for a little while and I forgot all about him." He chuckled at her. "This is your boobs' fault for distracting me, and you know it."

Luna smiled at him. "Have they been bad? Do you need to punish them?"

Lionel cleared his throat loudly and interrupted any response Harry was about to make.

Cosmo quickly spoke up. "Luna, Lionel, Harry, it has been a pleasure meeting you all. Feel free to visit me again if you like, but I really must be going. There are some Forest Rangers headed this way, and I do not wish to be spotted."

"Crap," Lionel said. "We should get out of here as well." Lionel turned to Cosmo and said, "It was a pleasure meeting you, Cosmo. Azrael has no wish to leave his home in the Enchanted Forest, but would be quite glad to see you again if you felt like dropping by."

"Thank you, Lionel," Cosmo said with a nod. "Luna, Harry, until we meet again." And with that the Crumple-Horned Snorkack took two running steps and leapt into the air, flying high up and drifting from sight in the thick foliage.

Luna and Harry hurried over to Lionel and they all grabbed onto the portkey and disappeared from the DFA Magical Forest.

* * *

"Severus!" the Dark Lord greeted. "I trust 'not attacking' is working out well for you?" 

Severus shrugged. "I've not needed to make so many healing draughts, and have finally been able to conduct some private research of my own."

"Any useful discoveries?" Voldemort inquired.

Severus shook his head. "Nothing noteworthy. Just some support for theories I'd already maintained."

"Understandable," Voldemort agreed. "I've been reviewing the advice from my War Advisor. I think this year we would be best served by laying extremely low. No outright attacks on Potter or major wizarding centers and establishments."

Severus frowned a bit. "Are you sure that is wise? Potter's still just a child. Do you really want to give him another year to learn more and grow stronger?"

Voldemort raised an eyebrow. "Severus," he tutted. "I think you look forward to the attacks on Potter too much. Our annual plots against him have consistently failed. Do you not think a break from that tradition would be the best course of action now?"

Severus just frowned. "I just don't think that not trying to kill Potter is going to get him killed, that's all."

"Well," Voldemort exclaimed. "I won't leave you with nothing to do. I think it's time we test the mettle of Lucius' boy. He's now the head of that branch of the family. And I think it will be fun giving him a year to try and kill the muggle-loving Headmaster."

Severus just raised an eyebrow.

Voldemort rolled his eyes. "Oh come on. We both know he doesn't stand a chance in hell, but it's worth a shot. The old fool might trick himself into thinking he can sacrifice himself for the greater good."

Severus pushed the eyebrow even higher.

"It's worth a shot." Voldemort explained. "And it falls nicely in line with the fear through an absence of attacks."

Severus just shook his head.

"It'll at least keep us entertained." Voldemort finished presenting his case. "And maybe, if the sentimental barmy old man is stupid enough to place any trust in the Malfoy boy, he'll try to make a spy of him. Might as well get him suckered in, before Malfoy actually knows anything about our operations."

Severus nodded. "That is an excellent point. And it comes with absolutely no risk to us." Severus hastily added, "Unless of course someone values Draco."

Voldemort just rolled his eyes. "_Value_ a Malfoy. That'll be the day."

* * *

"Well, you've got new clothes, new books, and you're all packed for the next year of school?" 

"Yes, daddy," Luna snapped back. "I think we're ready for the Hogwarts Express tomorrow."

Harry nodded. "I haven't heard from anyone all summer. I wonder if they've had any fun."

Lionel replied, "I should hope so. An entire summer without an ounce of fun would be pretty horrible."

"Thank you, Mr. Obvious," a sarcastic Luna muttered.

"Luna sweetie," Lionel carefully began. "Why are you being so irritable? I know you must miss having baby you around, but that's not all, is it?"

Luna looked at the two most important men in her life and sighed. "I do miss me, but I knew I was leaving soon and had been unconsciously preparing for it. And I'm sorry I've been touchy, it's just… well… it's these damn boobs."

"Blasphemy!" Harry exclaimed.

"Not right now, maybe tonight," Luna retorted. "It's just that I'm still lactating and will for at least another week or so." She paused for a bit before continuing. "And, well, my breast pump broke a while back. So now I'm stuck with these heaving swollen melons and I can't even drain the pressure on them. Frankly, daddy, I don't know how much more I can take. So if either of you wouldn't mind…" She trailed off with a hopeful twinkle in her eyes.

Lionel and Harry looked at each other, both preferring that the other not be involved in this particular task. Lionel really didn't like the idea of Harry drinking from his daughter's tap, but wasn't sure he, himself, offered a better option.

Lionel sighed and said to Harry, "This is not a decision a father should ever have to make."

Harry understood Lionel's apprehension. "I'll make it for you, sir."

"Thank you for understanding, Harry." Lionel stated misinterpreting the young man before him. "I certainly don't want you to be putting your mouth on my dau-"

"_Stupefy_!" Harry incanted and nailed Lionel in the face, who collapsed on the floor with a loud _fwump_.

Harry turned to his one hundred percent, real, genuine girlfriend. He had on his hungry eyes and did his best to speak in a deep, sultry voice. "Luna… Cosmo… Lovegood."

Luna flinched at the middle name she didn't particularly like. "Please don't call me that."

"Alright then," Harry said with a lecherous grin. "Luna… _C_… Lovegood." He repeated it aloud, "Luna C. I like the sound of that."

Luna blushed shyly. "Me too."

Harry continued playing his role of the beefcake man. "Now, as your boyfriend, it is my duty, my responsibility, and my privilege to help you alleviate some of the tension and swelling in your deliciously, ample bosom."

Luna smiled and said, "I hope you're not doing this because you love me."

"Love?" Harry repeated seriously. "I'm sure love is as good as most people say, but well…" Harry shrugged and considered the task he was about to undertake. "Some things seem a bit gooder than love right about now."

THE END

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Author's Note:** Please let me know what you thought of this story.  
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